Thursday, January 08, 2009

Reasons you should elect me Zombie Overlord for the upcoming Zombiegedon

Greetings human-but-future-zombies,
I'd love to take a moment to share with you reasons why I should be your Zombie Overlord for our upcoming global zombie apocalypse.

I will love brains. Yes, any legitimate campaign to be zombie president should begin and end here but since we will all love brains, I will have to bring more to the table and so I will tell you this: I will love brains more than you do. How can you know that? Eat my brain and find out. You wont, will you? That's right you wont because as humans, it is against the law. Also, zombies dont eat other zombies so I guess you'll just have to go on faith for this one.

As your zombie president I will curb government excess, namely, there will be no government. This means no zombie air force one, no zombie vacations, no large zombie cabinets of overpaid advisers. Can my opponent promise this? Can my opponent promise anything? If he can, that means he is talking to you and he is not a zombie.

I'm tough on crime. There will be no crime, but still. Your fresh brain is yours to eat, not your neighbors, not the mob of likeminded zombies you travel with, Yours. My team is currently working on ways to enforce this. I call it: One Brain, One Zombie. In the future, I will most likely refer to it as "Braaaaaiiins" (assuming my lower jaw has remained intact).

In the first 100 days of my Zombiedency I will propose plans for finding and and then eating all the brains. Underground bunkers, fortified malls and chain linked compounds will be no match for our tireless dedication to eating all the brains. They will be so very tasty and there is no reason we should not have them.

I am strictly against sniper headshots, decapitations, being shotgunned in the face and / or other crowbar-like weapons thrust into and / or through our heads. It will be the only way to kill us so let's stop the violence before it starts, people. We all love a good, dramatic growl and moan but when Mr MovieHero has his sawed-off pointed right at your slack jaw, duck. Live (undead) to moan and drool another day.

Speaking of moaning, I know we cant add additional words to our vocabulary (of Uhhhhhh) but could we at least start pointing? It would great aid in helping others of us know where the humans ran off to.

With your help, we can make the future a feast of brains and glorious, bloody flesh as we turn humans, all the humans, into zombies. I'd like to lead you, future zombie. Towards .. a brain. Yes, that one. go get it.

Yours truly,
Gnarrrrrgllllarrrr ChompArrgh

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