Thursday, June 23, 2005

X-Rated Overheard

DO NOT READ the below if you are easily offended or dont like dirty words.

So I'm comin' back from Opera in the Park in Brooklyn the other night (more on that later) and as Matt and I exit the West 4th Street station, there's a happy, skinny, saucy, gay black man jogging down the steps as we go up them. As we near him, we hear him saying:

Liiiiick some puuuuuussy,
Suck some cunt

And then as he passes us, he looks our way and says:

MMMM-HHmmm - I love me some white boys

they've got BIIIIIIG dicks.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Richard Cheese concert

Saturday saw the musical stylings of the illustrious Richard Cheese.

Ok. Saturday didn't see him, so much as Matt and Karen and Chris and I did. I'd hazard to say that we got more enjoyment out of his concert than Saturday would have, had Saturday been a person and not a day of the week.
----T'was my first visit to the Bowery Ballroom - a hell of a place to see a show, it turns out... Recommended by everyone I've talked to so far and truly, it had great sound, great stage vision and just generally, a great feel to the whole place.
----Richard Cheese himself was ON. as in on fire. not literally smart-ass, though I wouldn't have been surprised had he caught fire at some point. yeah. like I said... he was ON.
----He played a great selection of his best songs which the crowd went crazy for... why? because he was On. on what? right. On fire. good, you're listening.
----As with all things in my life, there's what's going on in front of me and then there's what's going on directly in front of that, distracting me, most often in a good way, from what's going on. During the concert, it was Conan Bob, Tina and WhyAmIHereFrank. What? Not their real names? good catch. you're getting good at this.... Although I think WhyAmIHereFrank's name really was Frank, but that's besides the point:
----So we're near the front, standing against the wall (my new favorite place to watch live music - the benefits of a wall to lean against and no one to back up into really shouldn't be underestimated) but the spot we're in is near the stairs leading downstairs to the bar & bathroom so there's a little bit of traffic passing by.. never enough to obscure the view of the stage though. Enter Conan Bob - named such for the fact that I thought he was Conan O'Brien at first glance. As in, tall, very.. 6'6" or 6'8"... same boxy Irish face, same smile... except that he was a good 10-15 yrs older than Conan. So OK, he's not Conan. Following him in was Tina. Again, her name was probably not Tina but she was TINY, as in... VERY... as in.. 4'6" to 4'8" tops. Conan Bob and Tina were together. Over the course of the next hour or so, as they stood sometimes frustratingly close to me, directly in front of me but not blocking my view (I was always able to look over Tina's head) I was able to determine that they were probably on a first date... or maybe a second. And that WhyAmIHereFrank was either a friend-type chaperone that Tina had brought along or he was some agreed upon friend that Conan Bob would bring to make Tina more comfortable about going out on this date to a show of a band she'd never seen or heard about. They all appear to have origins in Texas. or maybe Oklahoma. are there shit-kickers in Oklahoma? Ya? then ya. Oklahoma too.
----Tina and WhyAmIHereFrank know nothing of the Cheese. They look around and gauge the reaction of the audience.. watch for laughs, try to catch lyrics to make sense of why they're funny but having no reference to the pop songs Richard is covering, they dont know why it's funny. Frankly, (no, not WhyAmIHereFrankly) I'm not sure if Conan Bob knew why they were funny. That.. Enjoyably enough (for me) didn't seem to be too important to him. He laughed and hooted and looked to Tina and WhyAmIHereFrank for reaction and approval and sign that they were enjoying themselves, at least a fraction as much as he was trying to show that he did.
----Conan Bob has a catch phrase. Conan Bob shared this catch phrase. He shared it no less than.. let's say 100 times that evening. His catch phrase was "HAY-OHhhh!!!" as made popular by Ed McMahon on the Johnny Carson Show. He repeated and repeated and good god he repeated it whenever he made out a good chunk of lyrics... never really in time with some moment that would call for a reaction like that.. moreso to get Tina and WhyAmIHereFrank enthused. Which didn't seem to work with Frank. Tina, yes. Tina looked up (straight up) at Conan Bob with a huge smile, danced around a bit & generally seemed to be having a great time. I think she would have had a great time being with Conan Bob if they were standing in line at the supermarket so... well.. Richard Cheese cant be expected to make everyone's time better. Everyone-people like WhyAmIHereFrank. Man, that guy just would not loosen up.
----Another great thing for me to watch was how they had come and stood in what was, basically, the walkway that lead from the stairs to the back of the ballroom. It had formerly been an open walkway.. just enough room for people to walk in front of me and behind the people in front of me but... I guess in Texas, that is considered prime standing area. So they stood there. And of course had people jostling them, nudging, prodding, sometimes shoving them out of the way. Conan Bob acted the role of oversized shield for Tina, while WhyAmIHereFrank just made confused "sorry" looks and shuffled his portly form out of the way of concert goers & security alike. Like I said, they stayed in front of me for over an hour so I got to see a lot of great traffic jams.
----It's amazing what you can take in with just overhearing and split second glances at the people in front of you. I was, of course, watching Richard Cheese about 98.5% of the time and yet I took in this whole side-story being played out in front of me. God bless yee, freaky tall guy / short girl couples! and their friends who dont want to be where they are but get dragged along anyway!! HAY-OHhhhh!!!!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Bruce Campbell is the B-est

----Bruce Campbell, star of the Evil Dead movie series and a dozen or more brilliant but quickly cancelled tv series AND self proclaimed B-movie superstar, gave a book reading at the Union Square Barnes & Nobles on Thursday, for his new book Make Love! the Bruce Campbell Way which I couldn't quite finish before the reading but am almost done with now.
For those of you not as familiar with his work as an unofficial membership in a fan club might require, he is the premiere icon for the ever-shrinking world of camp comedy. He delivers lines with a self assured, straight-face delivery that only makes the slapstick groin punch that often follows that much funnier as he crumbles to the ground. He grew up next door to Sam and Ted Raimi. Sam, of most recently, Spiderman 1, 2 & 3 directing fame and has appeared in most of his films and TV series, to some extent.
----Matt and I were in attendance. Oh. My. Lord. He is freakin' hilarious in person. I kept thinking "ok, he can be hilarious in print 'cause he'd have time to write and rework pieces for maximum comedy, but how the hell is he THIS hilarious in person??" He threw out crowd killer comedy with the same ease he had killing Deadites. Something about the comanding voice, the perfect timing and the B-movie-star with A-movie-star confidence (deserved or not) has endeared him a rather large fan base, some, of course, were the typical movie-t-shirt-wearing, obsessed fan variety.
----There actually was no official 'book reading', so he launched into answering questions. Most were run of the mill type questions, some were ridiculously lame, self-focussing questions from that frustrating sort of "look at me" type audience member, but some questions were spot on great.
----Someone asked what his role in Spiderman 3 would be - to which he said "Well.. let's review... as you all know... in the first movie.. my character, the ring announcer did what? [pause] yes.. that's right.. he named "Spider man".. eh? eh? right? ok. and in Spiderman 2..? "Snooty Usher"..? the snooty usher kept [someone yells out DEFEATED Spiderman!] YES! that's right..! I ... defeated .. Spiderman... very good [he smiles, I think, a little mad that he hadn't thought of that himself] .. yes, I defeated Spiderman. So of course, in Spiderman 3, I will be Spiderman. next question?"
----Other interesting info to surface was that he lives on a large farm in Oregon and grows lavender with his wife. When asked what he does with all that lavender, he said "you're not going to believe it but... we take it to Steven Segal's ranch in California and refine it. I kid you not. Steven Segal owns a ranch the size of Rhode Island in the middle of California, I guess from making... Under Seige 2 maybe.. and he has all sorts of botanicals and herbs and who knows whatnot else all around.. anyway, he's got these... vats and... bubblers and such... this is all very scientific, isn't it? So.. we take the lavender down there and refine it. Then we fight a little [he makes chop fighting motions with his arms]."
----I'm not doing his comedy justice, but needless to say, if he does a reading in your town, GO. Do NOT not go and tell yourself later "Ahhhrgh, I should have gone!". No. Instead? Go. Go see him. You will laugh. You will smile. You may get a little gassy, I dont know. Kinda depends on what you ate before hand. But go. Go see him.
----Also, rent all his movies and see his new movie, out in theaters now.
----And of course, visit his website to stay up on your Bruce Campbell happenings and babblings.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

matt's regifted b-day present

So yesterday, matt, mike, andrew & i went to pier 42 on the Hudson to fly matt's gay kite. matt's gay kite is gay 'cause it's rainbow colored and likes boy kites. and it doesn't fly. 'cause it sucks and i think it's too worried about how it looks. as we were leaving the pier, two gay girls saw the kite sticking out of matt's bag, stopped him & asked "oooh, Mister? can we have a rainbow flag?!!" - it was all mike & andrew & i could do to not laugh at matt and his gay kite.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Over and Over and Overheard

++ No Dave, you do NOT let anyone in to her room to take anything. No Dave, it is NOT ok. Dave, do you even Know this daughter of yours? do you see how she's playing us?

++ I haven't seen her since afternoon yesterday. No one has. Yeah, she has her cell phone on her. ya, that's a joke, she just turns it off or doesn't answer it when she sees it's me calling. She thinks I was born yesterday and I'm a baby. A little baby who doesn't know what's going on.

++ she's with that boyfriend, I'm sure. what does he even do..? oh. ya, I know what that is.. like the legal kind.. but not legal, right? right. Ya, I already forbid her from staying at his place. You know.. you girls are stupid, you really are. Do you know what will happen to you if the authorities wise up to him? I dont need this. He's bad news and you all know it and you hang out with him anyway.

++ Ya, I -want- to find her. Y'know what the next thing that's gonna happen is? I'm gonna stop by his house on my way home. Ya. I'm gonna have a long talk with his parents, if he even lives with his parents. this will stop. If she wont listen, she can pack her backs and go. I'm sick of this.

++ You were at school? you're sure? really. And you couldn't give me a call? you knew I was trying to reach you. Yeah, you did. you knew. I've been trying to r... Selfish. Little. Brat. Yeah, you are. You know what Lauren. You know what Lauren. You know what Lauren.... you better start treating me better. or you're gonna be out. You really wanna say goodbye?? [click]

Monday, June 13, 2005

beauty school cop out

-----Last thursday and friday brought major drama to the House of DM. Shocking, I know. No, this was good drama for a change. Lauren had, it seems, been 'personally recommended' by her beauty school's principal to be an intern/trainee/protege at a prestigious NY hair salon and would, with a little perserverence, soon be doing the hair of the stars! How do I know this? DM called, I believe, half of all NY residents and told them about it.
----selected hilariousness from an Oprah Winfrey review of the salon: ...Rita has set beauty trends and reinvented celebrities. [robot voice: you have been reinvented] She has created the signature looks for stars such as Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Carmen Electra, Brooke Shields and many others. In addition to this wealth of creativity, [working on stars = wealth of creativity?] Rita owns and operates her own busy new salon on East 65th Street in Manhattan. [wait, she doesn't just own or operate it?] The loyalty of Rita's celebrity and personal clientele is attributed to her innate understanding of what looks best on women from a woman's perspective. [really though, she's a man] .... And her warm, down-to-earth personality makes her a good friend to her clients. [and she can speak with forest animals] ..... Every client, celebrity or not, receives Rita's full attention, [so gracious! the little people get attention too?!] and leaves Rita's hands feeling more glamorous then when they arrived. [Rita's hands feel more glamorous "then" when they arrived? wait, where were the hands before they arrived??] A mix of rock and roll and Forties glamour inspires Rita's color choices. [sooo... a mix of Joan Jett and Mrs. Cunningham..? wow, that's hot] ..... "You don't want your hair to 'wear' you...." [I think I saw that Twilight Zone episode] .... is a haven for in-the-know fashionable women... [quick, the world is getting me down.. To The Haven!!] A full range of luxe services are offered.... [only hair salons are allowed to use that word] ....—a chic [and that word] salon that is also a comfortable, no-attitude environment. [FOUL! the words "salon" and "no-attitude" however, can NOT be used in the same sentence]
-----DM was so proud, her husband was proud, relatives were proud, heck, -I- was proud. For now, we'll ignore the fact that she probably got the job because DM calls the school at least once a week to see what Lauren can do to make up missed time or smooth something or other out with the principal. They're on a first name basis with eachother, for chris'sakes. It also had to partly be a give-the-malcontent-a-highly-responsible-job-so-they-fly-right-on-their-own kind of job. However she got it, the world was looking bright and opportunity-filled for the House of DM.

This morning, I heard this:
++ It went horribly... they told her she was dressed inappropriately. the guy is a flaming.... I need to call her principal now. ya. ya, he's a total queen. she wore.. she wore black capris, a button up shirt, nice shoes... yeah, she looked nice. and they say this with people in ripped clothing standing all around. yeah. I cant believe this. I'm gonna have my friend Roger go down there & talk to him, he's a big ol' queen. he'll dish a little sass out to that.... yeah. I know. He needs to shut his fat fu%#ing mouth.

++ hi baby, i got your metrocard. where are you? ok. are you going to be able to shut your AC off? alright. I'm gonna talk to your principal, she's gonna wanna talk to you, alright. So be waiting for the call. DONT go back to sleep, you hear me? ok, baby.

++ yeah, but you have to tell her what this guy did. I wanna talk to her. Not for nothing, but you were sick the night before. I'm telling you, I'm gonna send the flamingest queen down there... to take this queen out, I swear. In midtown manhattan no less. I'm telling you. My name is not Lauren. I cant tell her what happened. You are not a bug to be squashed. You have a talent that needs to be nurtured.

6/20/05 Update
++ So I talked to her principal. Yeah. She was apologizing profusely Damn right she'd better. I know. Lauren says to me, she says "Ma, I felt like I was overdressed". I know, yeah. The guy was standing there telling her she was overdressed and he's in ripped jeans. Big queen. He wanted a guy, wanted Lauren to show up and be a little boy for him.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

how to be the 'bad guy'

----Last week, I volunteered to take a walk up 6th Ave to pick up some food Matt & I had ordered. It was a nice day, the sun was shining, beautiful people were out being beautiful, life was good and mexican food was eager to be in my belly... or visa versa. As I rounded the corner of Washington Place (my street) and 6th Ave, I saw our corner's ever-present, resident panhandler: a 6' tall black guy who's always dressed in what looks like very new clothes, never dirty, always sitting on a small stool he brings, always jangling his plastic cup pointedly at passer-by's. I've never liked this particular guy. He's been out there for over a year and always seems to be staring accusingly, blamingly, demandingly at the people passing by. I do not, at all, like this kind of panhandling. It's a rude slap in the face to the compassion and charity people extend to the needy. The sense of entitlement and judgement for those who dont give, the labelling and snide stares.... Grrrr. it burns me up. It took me months to realize that NY panhandlers, on the whole, are a lot nicer than they are in SF, are a lot less agressive, are a lot more motivated to provide a service - usually entertainment via an instrument or solo singing or harmonized singing or dancing (seriously, i almost got hit in face by a kid who was doing a HEAD spin on a crowded, MOVING subway train) - or they will tell a story of how they got to the unfortunate state they're in and what they're doing to get out of it. I respect those methods, absolutely. They are either doing something to earn their money or doing something to get out of their current situation. It's the habitual, easy-ride panhandlers who know they can make $40 to $100 a day panhandling and have no intention of stopping that bothers me.
----BUT I DIGRESS..... So I turn to walk up 6th Ave - I know I have to pass this guy - As I do, I'm not looking at him, but I hear him say "PUH-LEEEZE MASSA, PLEEEZE!! Pleeeze Massa, Pleeeze!!" - for those of you not fluent in very old school racism, "massa" = "master", ie. I was, I guess, his white, slave-owning, land owner and he was my lowly slave, begging for pity. I couldn't F'n believe my ears. I knew this guy was an ass, but I had no idea how much so. He said the same thing maybe four times, back to back, looking at me with mock sorrow, hating me all the way, I guess for never giving him money.
----If you know me, you know how I'm all sweetness and light but you might also know that I dont stand for being called out publically by individuals, for stupid sh!t I have no business being called out for. I just dont. I usually end up making a small scene as I talk smack right back or make the person back down from what they've said and I usually hear this from whoever I'm with: "kory, seriously... let it go... c'mon, let's go". I'm not particularly proud of that aspect of myself. I'll probably end up being goaded into a physical fight at some point, but... I digress.. Again...
----So.. I know I have to do something to not let this arsehole-panhandler guy get away with what he's said. I dont want to stop and talk it out, obviously, 'cause that'd just be fruitless... So, I turn and flip the guy off as I'm walking away. As I do it, I realize that it's been so long since I've flipped someone off, that I've forgotten how to do it. It doesn't feel natural. I dont bend my index and ring finger like I used to in elementary and middle school... I just raise my middle finger and huddle the rest of my fingers tight. AS I am thinking about HOW I went about flipping him off, I suddenly become aware of this fact: as far as other people who have seen this happen, I am now a guy who just flipped off a homeless guy. And sure enough, as I continue walking up 6th Ave, I see people looking at me then looking at the homeless guy then back to me, wondering why the hell I just flipped off that poor homeless guy.
----The best part may have actually been that when I -did- flip him off, he smiled and laughed a hearty, approving laugh like he: A) had finally gotten the reaction he was looking for in someone B) respected me a little more because I didn't just let him get away with it C) had found a unique response in the "what would happen if..." game he was playing.
----I felt kinda used after that. He got what he wanted with my reaction but all I got was a new label: Guy Who Flips Off Homeless Guys.

Friday, June 03, 2005

what's "dating"? knee-v-ball NYC

---not to jinx anything or anything... but I'm dating someone. Ya, I know, that only took a full year+, right?
----Dont ask where we met. I will tell you we met on the moon.
Her name is Sarah, and she is a super cool, sweet, sexy lil thing. (except she's not "lil", she's 5'10") that's Quite quite fun - the dating, not her height. Also fun is the fact that for the 1st time in my life I'm not on a mad dash sprint to boyfriend/girlfriend-status, which is actually strange for it being uncharted territory for me. (ya ok, so I never learned the basics of conventional dating - i Did have the same gf all through college, y'know)
----She's a freelance editor/writer (right now, working for Scholastic books, Country Living and editing a cookbook for Martha Stewart (Yes, it's all part of my alterior motives to end up dating Martha)) and a marathon runner - good god, runners ... i doubt I could ever get fit like she is. And in general is incredibly smart, funny and has her life ridiculously together which brings a level of respect and admiration that is Quite Quite sexy in itself. Oh and she's almost finished writing her second novel and she wont let me read it... which is also sexy.
----We went to Philadelphia this last weekend to see a travelling Salvador Dali exhibition at the Phili Museum of Art. Most excellent. I'd seen the Dali Museum in St Petersburg FL years ago (the 2nd largest collection of his work outside of Spain) but this exhibit in Phili had works from Spain, St Petersburg and a lot from private collections. Phili itself was cool but our time was limited there since I'd ... [sigh] ... lost my damn phone on the Amtrak train getting to Phili. While we were in the museum, the guy who found it called Sarah's phone & we arranged to meet up at the train station that night... turned out it was the conductor who found it & i think mighta been operating a little side venture wherein he finds lost cell phones, calls the last number(s) dialed & tries to get the phone back to the owner to collect a reward. I didn't mind in the slightest.. it was well worth a reward to not have to deal w/ the hassle of replacing a phone.
----Not much else is new out this way - I wrenched my knee playing sand v-ball two saturdays ago - I thought I'd torn something in it (again, grrr) but i think i just sprained it... I hope. It of course all happened in slow motion and sounded like wet knuckles rubbing hard against eachother - no "pop" sounds - so that's good. With no health insurance, I'm REALLY hoping nothing tore, at least. I played last night and it held up really well with only a few minor minor scares. It amazes me that I could be more than halfway into a given physical action (a deep lunge to the side, a jump, a dive, whatever) and split-second-think to myself "ok, that was dumb, that's a great way to injure the knee again, jackass!" but not be able to NOT make the dangerous move in the first place. Luckily, the knee brace I wore provided the physical and psychological support it's intended to give and kept me, mostly at least, conscious to be extra careful on it.
----Our team is in 3rd place in our league and seems solidly set to make the playoffs. We're on a 6 game winning streak and it's feeling goooood. (3 games per night, once a week) One of our teammates videotapes our games and puts the footage up on the net - which is a bit ... dorky? I guess..? but hey, also fun to save such moments for posterity. ("See there, son? that's me accidentally hitting my teammate in the back of the head with the ball. Good times.... good times") If you feel like seeing the video, email me after Tuesday (6/7/05) - my teammate has usually digitized the footage & uploaded it by the Tuesday of the following week.
----What else? the weather is getting warmer, the parks are drawing cityfolk out of their work and sleep boxes, fountains spark play and giggles in children and soothe work week weary and weekened relaxing adults, natives and tourists are shopping, dining, drinking into the nights... nights without jackets, nights that feel as though they'd be daytime if not for the spiteful sun hiding out of sight...
Oh and I still love New York.
- if you couldn't tell.