Thursday, March 23, 2006

pictures of pictures taken in picture form


Captain Flapjack investigates a suspicious backpack. Hambone monitors from a safe distance.

and then investigates more closely. the investigation lasted approximately 2 full minutes.

cats in bags not your thing? try Cats In Boxes. (or there's always Cats In Sinks)

Esra's b-day drinky night. I unintentionally continue my practice of blurry artsy-shmartsy photo taking.

Jillian and Esra humor me for more blurry-photo-taking-ness.

Esra looks super hot. I look like I got hosed down by a french fry grease truck.

Ohh, the many faces of marginally drunk blurry photo taking.


I am ready to party like it's 1385. so, apparently, is Santa Claus, on the front of the float.

we're here. the parade may begin now. Lady! get out of my picture!!

these girls were rockin' some dance moves that were somehow a cross between contemporary Iranian type dancing and really bad 80's cheerleader we've-got-spirit moves. wait, that IS contemporary Iranian type dancing.

you know you want one of those hats.

did you know that big thumping loud speakers were invented by ancient Persians?

Persian Gulf forever??? interesting. this isn't the Persian Gulf New Years Parade, y'know. Interestingly, all Iranians flags showed the pre-revolution lion-with-sword and sun and not the post-revolution, theocratically mandated, Allah is great flag. take that fundamentalism!

the "Rumi the Mystic Poet of Persia" float ran over 10 people and crashes into a school bus. An inhebriated Rumi composed a poem about it so beautiful, everyone swooned and forgave him.

at the end of the parade, a car pulling a float caught on fire and had to be hosed down by the fire department. Sadly the car in question wasn't this SUV.

the first appearance of spring flowers outside my window. hard to see in the picture, I know.

a little easier to see them now.

and easier still... nothing compared to waking up, pulling up the blinds and seeing them 20 feet away, though. The scene framed, of course, by two cats trying to wake you.

and now fully in bloom. the snow barely made them wilt for a day before bouncing back to beautiful pink fabulousness.
heterosexually speaking, of course.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Listicle 9.6

§§§§§ - I had to search a little harder this time for a worthy cat link to kick off the listicle with, but I found it... Ohhh, did I find it.

§§§§§ - I suppose this counts as a 'Persian rug' - ha ha. who knew there'd be something so cool in Sacramento? ha ha. (sorry Sact'ians.. you know I loves y'all)

§§§§§ - Hi. I'd like to have sex with your car, please. And it's diesel, electric and solar powered
??? Can I at least make out with it?

§§§§§ - if I had a nickel for every song the Silence of the Lambs inspired... I dare you not to get it stuck in your head. Actually, I guess that's a dare for your head, not you.

§§§§§ - today, March 27th, is the 3 year anniversary of me-in-New-York. exciting, huh?

§§§§§ - As much as I'd never make anything like this, I couldn't stop looking at all of the creations.

§§§§§ - Life may be so simple as to divide us all into two camps: those that would say wow, that's cool! and those that'd say woah, that's twisted! Cant we all just agree it's twistedly cool?

§§§§§ - chelsea clinton dined near us at Esperanto in the East Village last night (3/29). No one had the balls to ask her "why cant your dad be president again??"

§§§§§ - This Wednesday, March 5th, at 2 minutes and 3 seconds after 1AM, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Trader Joe's open - yours truly explodes from joy.

And on the seventh day, Trader Joe's finally opened in Manhattan. And they saw that it was good.
It is beyond good. Good is for gumdrops. No, this... this is a godsend. A studio of smiles wrapped in a gaggle of giggles wrapped in an ocean of orgasms. (eyew) It is everything and nothing and then some. It is the greatest thing to happen to Manhattan since... well, since Manhattan got me (dare you deny the greatness of me? I thought not). It is the analogy to end all analogies. It is the greatest story ever told... and so, I'll stop right there.

You do not even know how long I have been waiting for this store to open. You just dont. I'll tell you, though. I will. I have been waiting almost three years. Yes. Three. Pretty much since the day I moved here and realized there were no Trader Joe's in Manhattan, nay! None in New York City, even. None. Zero. Not a one. It was this sad fact that caused me to leave a good amount of room in my suitcase on trips to California. And the same reason many an airport baggage screener probably paused to make sure those six packages of dried apricots and four packages of chili mangoes and nuts (and on and on) were fruits and nuts and not things that go boom. Luckily for everyone, TJ's specializes mostly in non-exploding foodstuffs.

Years of waiting and cross country food shopping ended on Friday. Ohh glorious Friday. Some people called in St Patrick's Day. I call those people fools. "Silly, silly people! Friday is the long awaited opening of Trader Joe's!", I'd say (mostly to no one in particular, prompting odd looks on the subway). How could my fellow Manhattanite(-ian-ites) not know about, let alone plan, their whole existences around the greatest store opening ever??!! Ever. E - VER-rrrrr. The injustices of the world really make me want to cry sometimes.

And so it was, and so it is. Trader Joe's opened and Esra and I went. While I was not so absolutely batshit crazy as to wait in line for the actual morning opening (word on the street is 'an hour & a half long lines to get in from their opening at 8am til about noon'), I was however, just batshit-enough crazy to go up there at 8pm, opening day. I definitely dont recommend such things for the weak of heart or those short of patience. I, myself, fall into the latter category that find that people who wait in lines longer than a school bus should probably ride said school bus back to school and learn the value of having something f#cking better to do than waiting in a line that long. (Not that I uhh.. have any strong feelings about the matter or anything)

At 8:07pm, just before rounding the corner of 3rd and 14th, I saw a couple walking towards us with TJ bags in their hands. Ohhh sweet, sensuous paper bags. Where have you been all my ... past three years??? If it was possible for palms to drool, mine were drooling with the anticipation of soon having such awkwardly designed bags cutting into my freezing hands. Did I mention that that it was 25 degrees out?

And then we were in. No lines, no screaming, no pushing. Just a single tear of happiness welling up as I surveyed the greatness. And the people. Lots of people milling about, eyes hungrily drinking in exotically tasty pleasures, counfounding one and all with choices upon too many choices. And chose they did - baskets overflowed, shopping carts clickety-clacked to the sound of items tossed in absently, their masters already hunting down the next delicious deal. As fast as the shelves emptied, they were refilled by a horde of what I can only guess was every employee of the store from every shift from every day of the week called into emergency action for the opening. And as I watched the jubilant chaos unfold before me (I wasn't the only kid-in-a-candy-store, by any means), I noticed something that should have been SO out of place, a phenomenon almost completely unknown to employees of New York stores, an odd facial physical condition all too rare in food stores, specifically - smiles. The employees, not to mention most patrons, were smiling. And I heard laughing. YES. laughing and smiling and joking around. I know! No, I am not kidding. Yes, this is New York I'm talking about. I know. I cant get over it myself.

Well... despite the starry-eyed wonder, I knew we weren't staying for forever (ohh, if only they'd sponsor a Slumber Party night!) so we picked out our basket load of items - healthy, frozen meals for $2.49 a piece, dried fruit, energy bars, a six pack of Asahi beer (for under half the price any NY bodega would charge), handmade mac & cheese (also $2.49), organic peanut butter for 1/3rd the cost of regular peanut butter elsewhere (I wont even mention the cashew butter, almond butter, almond/macadamia mix, PB with honey mixed in, etc, etc, etc - I was shell-shocked trying to pick one) and having loaded up with more than would be advisable to carry home, we got in line... which actually wasn't so bad. 10 to 15 minutes for a store opening night sounded ok to me - at least, that's what I kept telling myself to justify the madness.

Over the next few weeks, the lines will die down and maybe the novelty will wear off - for some. The truth of the matter though is that a store has finally opened that will, if shoppers really do care about things like value and price saving and quality choices, blow the doors off of Whole Foods and Gourmet Garage and the bastard, bratty bully of a supermarket that everyone in NY has tales of infuriating idiocy to fume over - Gristede's. These stores will probably not even feel the pinch of the clientele who leaves them for Trader Joe's - they will all still have a steady stream of shoppers too lazy or short on time to make the trek to TJ's - and that's fine for TJ's, for everyone really. Just as the mega-supermarket didn't push the mom & pop neighborhood store into extinction, neither will this new (benevolent) king of price and selection cause anyone to quake. The mere fact that the trumpet of choice has at long last sounded, that we've finally been given the choice to choose Trader Joe's and reap it's rich rewards, is a kingly proclamation I do not take lightly.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

WE'RE NUMBER ONE! we're number 1!!!

The Greatest Enemy?
According to a recent Gallup poll, Iran has replaced Iraq as the country Americans consider to be their greatest enemy. [........] Which country do you presently consider to be the greatest enemy of the United States?
37% - Iran
14% - Iraq
21% - North Korea
12% - None of the above
16% - I'm not sure

HA! in your FACE Iraq!!! Suck on it, North Korea!! We're the new lead wheel on the great axis of xenophobia, suckas!!! JEALOUS????

Listicle 8.&

()()().....Proper listicles should always start out with an awesome cat link.

()()().....WHAT I’D SAY TO THE MARTIANS by Jack Handey (of Deep Thoughts with.. fame)

()()() know when you think a song is cool for months and it just gets cooler and cooler and you're afraid you might explode 'cause it's so cool? yeah, it's like that. So again. with lyrics, even. Wouldn't ya know it, Matt & I missed his concert in NY by -one- day. Grrrr.

()()().....I've been hitting PIMPAFY! for hours now. And smiling the whole time. Every one seems to be my new favorite.

()()().....Why cant I be as smart as you, McSweeney's? Oh, right. Lasers.

()()().....My 3rd grade classroom had a set of these. Good lord it kept me fascinated. If you have kids, work with kids, know kids, wish you knew kids (eyew)... consider getting a set.

()()().....Be a good fatty fat American. feed your kids this. eat two, yourself.

()()().....the awesome SNL skit only added to this disgusting Magnolia Bakery line. So much for overpriced, B+ quality cupcakes. seriously, the people in this line are the same fools who queue up for their hour long Chipotle corporate-burrito lunchline. gol' dern freakin' human cattle... Grrrr.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

February San Diego trip


Every trip I've taken in the last two years begins exactly this way - kitties-in-my-suitcase. Everytime. without fail.

believe it or not, this photo was taken from an airplane.

having fun with the cameraphone's "multi-shot" functon. Exciting, huh? As momentarily distracted as we were, we were still able to fulfill our duties as responsible exit row passengers.

this shot is also taken from a.... from an..... anyone..? yes, that's right, from an airplane.

my dad and Esra prepare to hang glide.*

Esra and I prepare to hang glide.* semi-sorta-barely visible above/left of us is a hang glider.

my dad and I prepare to hang glide.*

At the SD Wild Animal Park. My one-armed photography technique manages to capture a Rhinoceros' ass.

Esra feeds some sort of deerish animal.... which later was fed to a far cooler animal with big teeth.

my brother appeases his vegetarian guilt by punching a deer in the face.**

"Ducks?? At a Wild Animal Park? good one, San Diego. here's an idea - come check out my Wild Squirrel Farm in New York, you losers. psssh!!"

Out of all the photos I took at the park, I seemed to only want to take pictures of Rhinoceri.

Esra refuses to take a picture of Rhinoceri. For your information, there are rhinoceri directly behind us. Not... behind us.. on the train, mind you... on the other side of the track.

a Del Mar beach

Esra demonstrates the importance of clean teeth while beach walking.

The quasi-Turkish-Persian-food meal that Esra, her brother Dave, my dad and I made. Pictured from top to bottom are Turkish Cigara Burek (spelling?), lamb & beef shish kabobs and my new favorite Persian dish, Gheimeh khoresh (stew), rice with the infamous crust (shown on top of the rice)

Esra and I plot the clubbing of nursing seals. OH And we Laugh! good times... good times.

we celebrate our carnage. I celebrate my awesomeness at one-arm picture taking.

Yes. we are available for fashion shoots. At very reasonable rates.. email for prices.

this is my new favorite picture in the Esra-verse.

this one isn't, but I like it anyway. Sadly, my camera ran out of juice before we got to the La Jolla Cave that I had been planning and plotting and scheming to go to - probably my favorite spot in all of SD. I'll get Esra to send me the pics she took and put them up here.

between La Jolla Cove and Children's Cove.

this is what I was seeing in the above photo.

just before sunset from one of the "little green shacks" between La Jolla Cove and Children's Cove.

just after Sunset, La Jolla Cove.

*no one was harmed during the shooting of these photos as no one actually hang... glid? ..glided??
**my brother did not actually punch a deer in the face.