Monday, December 04, 2006

Listicle 24.ĥ5

▲▼▲▼ knowing my love for zombies, as you all surely do... I saw this in the Castings section of Backstage magazine.. a weekly magazine for actors:
##### ###### Productions LLC is casting a feature-length sequel to the "...cult classic.." (The New York Times) comedic satire Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bridge of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil Mutant Hellbound Flesh Eating Subhumanoid Living Dead...Part 2. - movie - name - everrrrr.

▲▼▲▼ my new favorite internet meme... I .. cant seem to get enough of 'em.

▲▼▲▼ ya, extinct because it's creepy!! - a 4 person "long horse"???

▲▼▲▼ from Dilbert creator Scott Adams wants Bill Gates for President ... "For my president I want a mixture of Mother Teresa, Carl Sagan, Warren Buffet, and Darth Vader. Bill has all of their good stuff. His foundation will save more lives than Mother Teresa ever did. He's got the Carl Sagan intelligence and rational mind. He's a hugely successful businessman. And I have every reason to believe he can choke people just by concentrating in their general direction."

▲▼▲▼ the cute project is the new Cute Overload.

▲▼▲▼ why couldn't I have bought this couch?!?!??! Dohhhh.

▲▼▲▼ Most hilarious thing I've seen on SNL in a while.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

a NYTimes article - .... meanderthals

Apologies for not having written lately. A bit of writer's block void lately, I suppose. more soon, I swears.

The below is copied from a NY Times article from 2002. I've bolded (below) what might be the best word ever invented.

from the NY Times, July 16, 2002
Think You Own the Sidewalk?

On the sidewalks of New York there are jaywalkers, baby walkers, dog walkers, night walkers, cellphone talker-walkers, slow walkers, fast walkers, group walkers, drunken walkers, walkers with walkers and, of course, tourist walkers.
Unfortunately, all of these walkers are walking into one another.
"People no longer know how to walk on the sidewalk," said John Kalish, a television producer in Manhattan. "There was a time that any real New Yorker had a built-in sonar in terms of walking down the sidewalk, even a crowded one, and never bumping into someone. Now — forget it."
In a crowded city that is forever rebuilding itself, sometimes it is impossible to be a graceful walker. Still, strollers say that many problems could be avoided if some basic rules were followed.
First, walking rules are like driving rules.
"Stay to the right is the golden, No. 1 rule," said Chris Avila, 29, who has lived in the city for nine years.
Europeans used to driving on the left side of the road have acute problems getting used to New York sidewalks, said Giannandrea Marongiu, 36, who moved to New York from Italy five years ago. "They don't know where to go," he said. "They are all over the place."
Second, don't be a sudden stopper.
"People who stop short really get me," said Carla Melman, 26, a lifelong New Yorker. She said it was the equivalent of a car wreck on the Long Island Expressway on a Hamptons weekend.
Third, when walking with friends, don't crowd every lane of the sidewalk.
Ms. Avila said she reserves a special sidewalk in hell for "mall walkers," which she defined as groups who insist on walking three or four abreast. "They make me so mad," she said. "When you are around a group of mall walkers, you just have to find a way around them."
Fourth, keep it moving.
The average New York City fast walker does not have to get stuck behind a pack of mall walkers to grow sour. A single person moving at a slow clip-clop can be enough. There is even a word for this slowpoke: meanderthal. An Internet dictionary of slang defines him as "an annoying individual moving slowly and aimlessly in front of another individual who is in a bit of a hurry."
Fifth, don't be a heel stepper.
"I hate it when someone gives me a flat tire," Ms. Avila said. That happens when a heel stepper clips the back of her sandal, knocking it off her foot and causing her to become a sudden stopper.
Sixth, get off the phone.
Pedestrians say cellphone talker-walkers are so lost in their own hyperconnected universe that they are almost as likely to break the rules of walking as tourists. "When you are on a cellphone, you are a group of one," said Michelle Nevius, 32, a walking tour guide in Manhattan.
Roger Evans, a musician, agreed. "Typically I think of a cellphone talker as a guided missile," he said.
However, it is the bike messengers who many complain are the true missiles. Mike Nelson, a bike messenger born and raised in New York, says the walkers have gotten worse. "With the cellphones, Palm Pilots and all the other gizmos, people aren't even aware of what's around them any more," he said. "It's not just the bikers that will run them over, but also trucks, cabs, whatever."
Seventh, keep Fido on a tight leash.
Peter A. Perez, 28, a dog walker at the Wagging Tail, a dog care center in TriBeCa, says too many inexperienced dog walkers use long leashes that can become tripwires. And, he said, dog walkers should "never allow dogs to introduce dogs to other dogs," as this can create overactive obstacles.
Unnatural obstacles can also spoil a stroller's stride.
Scaffolding, a major walking hazard, seems to be growing like kudzu in front of buildings in the city. "You do see more scaffolding," said Ilyse Fink, a spokeswoman for the Department of Buildings. In 2000, nearly 4,000 permits were issued for new scaffolding and worker sheds, up from roughly 1,600 in 1995, Ms. Fink said, mostly because of tighter building inspection laws and building owners with more money for upkeep in flush times.
Ms. Fink volunteered her own pet peeve about city walkers. "I can't stand when people are standing at the corner talking to their friends or rubbernecking," she said. "I'm like: `Why don't you move? You don't do that when you are driving a car.' "
And Ms. Fink would not hang up the phone until she had pointed to another danger: baby strollers. As an admitted mother, she knows that mothers think of the stroller as an extension of themselves and, therefore, do not consider the added space they are occupying. "When I would be jaywalking with the stroller, people would be like, `Do you know you have a baby?' " she said.
Even if every walker followed all the unwritten walking rules, it would still be hard to get around because New York is more crowded. In 1991 there were 22,790,000 visitors to the city, according to NYC & Company, the city's convention and visitors' bureau. In 2000 there were 37,380,000 visitors walking the streets, it said. Add that to Manhattan's 1,537,195 residents and some 800,000 daily commuters until millions of people are fighting over the sidewalks.
Fred Kent, president of the Project for Public Spaces, a nonprofit group that advises communities on public planning, sees the walking crisis as part of a much larger problem. "I think it is all part of this trend away from being comfortable as a pedestrian," he said. American cities and American life in general is so focused on the car, he said, that "we are becoming enormously obese, because we have few opportunities to walk and very few opportunities to exercise."
Mr. Kent says walkers should not be mad at one another, for they have a common enemy. "They are in this situation by manipulation," he said. "We have developed rules for pedestrian traffic to enhance car traffic rather than traffic rules that would benefit pedestrians." But short of ripping up the city's roads, Mr. Kent could not offer a walking peace plan.
But Stella Cashman, who organizes racewalking events in Central Park, could. She pointed to the rules of track and field as a model to help ease the congestion. First, "no intentional contact (or pushing)." Second, "no attempts to impede the progress of others." Finally, "Allow sufficient distance (i.e. three steps) before cutting in front of another."
With those rules, a referee in some parts of the city would be awfully busy. At the corner of Canal and Broadway there is a perfect storm of pedestrian obstacles. Merchants sell everything from shoes to diamonds. Food vendors' carts face the storefronts. Nearby scaffolding, a subway entrance, a few homeless people on the ground and tourists looking for a deal make the corner nearly impossible to navigate.
"A lot of time I take to the street," said Kwok Wan, a letter carrier who has walked a route in the Chinatown area for 18 years. "If they are shopping, they are not moving."
Michael McDaniel, visiting from Birmingham, Ala., was shopping there with his family. He said he thought he obeyed the rules for walking in New York. "I follow the no-walk sign," he said. "Sometimes we ad-lib when we see other folks doing the same."
Mr. McDaniel acknowledged that his family often stopped suddenly if the urge struck them. But they were learning fast.
"Single file moves much faster," said Mr. McDaniel, now a reformed mall walker. "If we try and go three across, it slows us down."

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

pictures and pictures

Rooftop party pics. I'm really not quite sure why I take these.. the nighttime shots rarely turn out. Oh yeah... lots of wine made me take these.
Perhaps if I used the zoom feature on my camera phone that I just discovered the other day. How long have I had this cameraphone?
Camping on Fire Island. this, after a night of rain and more mosquitos than I have ever seen in one place, Ever. I've been camping many a time (says the former Boy Scout) but the mosquito density was almost more mosquitos than non-mosquito air. I guess that's what happens when you put campgrounds in the middle of protected swampland.

Esra and the mosquito repellant spray bottle were friends. That bottle and all of us were friends.. not that it helped much.
The day after, on a hunt for a cheap(ish) hotel on Fire Island (the idea of a second night camping on Mosquito Island was, as you might guess.. not so pleasant). Somehow we're all smiling in this photo. Pshh. Remember that you cant spell SMILES without L-I-E-S.

Lest you think the boys would escape a photo show.

No matter how cute they're being and how it happens nearly continuously, one of them will always look away at the perfect photo opportunity moment.

Esra and I right before turning off our cell phones, awaiting EVIL DEAD, the MUSICAL to begin (which was Soooo AWESOME that I insist you picture me screaming Soo AWESOME! right in your earhole) I'm going to see it again in a month or so, that's how Soo AWESOME! it was.

Well, well.

Imagine that.

An empty bag that's not empty... because it's filled with a kitten! (that's not a kitten anymore but whom I will forever call a kitten)

Esra asked me to take this picture of us in front of a Mark Rothko. I make nonstop fun of the modern art section at the Met 'cause I firmly believe that most modern art is one level below poop-cakes. YES, in my opinion.
At the... Wax Museum! yes, it's true. My dad and his lady friend? or.. companion were in town and they really wanted to see the wax museum. Esra and I didn't really wanna go 'cause, well.. I, at least, am often too cool for school. We actually ended up really enjoying it. I'm.. not.. umm.. quite sure how that happened.. but it did.

Lou Reed is just as waxy in person.

John Travolta's face was so disturbing, I thought you deserved a close up to wash out the detail with the flash. You'll thank me later when you're not haunted by dreams of a wax Travolta.
Despite her being wax, I still managed to creep out Paris Hilton.

Lindsay Lohan too. They both put wax restraining orders on me immediately following the photos.

After kicking George W Bush in the nuts, I was tackled by secret wax service agents.

Salvador Dali didn't like any of the three-plus hours of hilaaarious existentialist jokes I told. Lllllaaame!

The sign said this was Mick Jagger.
Yeah, maybe if you poke yourself in the eyes really hard.
like most San Franciscans (who didn't like the Grateful Dead), I finally got my opportunity to exact nut-kick-justice on the lead singer who died too early for me to ever do this in person.
Esra didn't like the fact that I was going around kicking wax dudes in the nuts so she started bluring the photos. Thanks, babe. Oh well.. guess Bono's gonna have to get kicked in the real nuts if I ever see him.

I uh.. got a little artsy with Bob Dylan. I told him to look up. Man, some people are so full of themselves.

I ended up tearing Johnny Cash's right arm off 'cause he got a little fresh with Esra, off camera.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Listicle 23.§∑

♠♣♥ If you've been out to breakfast with me after say.. 11:30am, you'll know exactly why I want this ring.

♠♣♥ If you know my favorite movie line (and if you dont, you should probably ask yourself why not?), you know it has something to do with.. bowing down and kneeling before ... a certain someone. (who's now running for president)

♠♣♥ I wish my cell phone was this big.

♠♣♥ wow. sweet video for Gary Jules' Mad World (not the Tears for Fears cover of same)

♠♣♥ I'm really not at all sure why I find this amusing. but... I ... do? sorta? I think I just like that someone took the time to come up with it.

♠♣♥ Funny.. these palindromes pop up in my every day conversation allll the time:
Dog sex at noon taxes God.
Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?
Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!
Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak.
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.

♠♣♥ "mathemagic":
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

MG - Comediene Extraordinaire.. gave notice

In honor of MG giving notice (to quit) today, I present a few overheard gems I'd been saving:

(trying to get out of working a Mexico order) I dont speak spanish! I dont even know how to pronounce the name of this tech.


Oh.. it's "John"?

Oh, ok. I didn't know.


(on the phone) "before i ask a real question... if you could have any one of superman's powers, which would you have? y'know, flying, x-ray vision, etc. [pause] [some magazine, i didn't hear the name] had an article and this one guy, i thought it was so sweet, he said he would take flying so that he could jump off the WTC and stop the planes before they hit"

it's like she's a comedian but instead of a punchline, the jokes always end with "oh and i killed your family and drained your bank account... and you have to go to jail now"


I need to learn excel, I tried once, someone gave me the Excel for Dummies book.....I found it too advanced (i swear, i do NOT make these up)

Friday, September 29, 2006

RANT: I like have a problem with like

Pronunciation: 'rant
obsolete Dutch ranten, randen
intransitive verb :
1 : to talk in a noisy, excited, or declamatory manner 2 : to scold vehemently
transitive verb : to utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion

tell me to shut up (no YOU shut up!) about my like pet peeve any ol' time, but i got to thinkin' - I cant be the only one aware of this rabid-overuse-of-the-word-like problem affecting language today. sure enough:

# of Google search pages that mention "people who say like": 4,780
# of Google search pages that mention "people that say like": 2,190
# of Google search pages that mention "saying like all the time": 1,080
# of Google search pages that mention "like as (a) filler": 649

I also love that wikipedia has a blurb on it.

the more we think about it, the more you catch yourself using (and overusing) it, the quicker we'll like eradicate it. I'll let the above 8,699 webpages rail on the most annoying lazy-ass, filler word since "um" and "uh" got marginalized into non-existence. Take a moment, people! breathe! pause. it's ok. People will wait for you to continue.. I like.. swear.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

how to tell loud people to shut up

the 'Back Me Up' Campaign

----You're on the bus. Maybe the subway. You're minding your own business. Maybe you're reading, or listening to music, maybe you're just people watching. The bus stops, the train stops, the doors to wherever you are open and.. in they walk. You wouldn't have even looked towards the door, you were lost in thought until now. Commotion. Loud. Annoying. Voices. You're looking for what must be a nerd that some unruly bullies are picking on. Except there is no nerd being picked on.. just four loud, high-pitched, loud teens (that are loud).
----Everyone looks for a second or two, then looks away. You feel the collective grinding of nerves of your fellow transit-mates, or restaraunt mates.. or wherever.
----Why? Why are they talking so F'ing loudly??? How can they not know that they are annoying everyone around them?? But of course, since you are not a complete moron, you know, for a fact... that they don't care. Not one iota. They are in the moment. They are fully absorbed in the psychological phenomena of teen (or pre-teen, or drunk) group dynamics. You see the elderly bristle and cast occassional dirty looks, too far removed from what it was like to run around in these loud, mini-mobs. The middle aged are thinking about things like 'respect', 'common courtesy' and the decline of civilization as they knew it, all the while hoping to the gods that their kids don't turn out to be so freaking annoying. The 20 and 30-somethings, being closer in age, watch the disgusting display of what it was like to be that age and sit, self-loathing at the fact that they may have ever been even remotely like that. Your thoughts mirror those of everyone around you: why dont you shut the F&@# up already?!?! good GOD! You are impressing NO ONE with your ability to be the center of this bus' attention! Your sharing of the details of your campus soap opera do NOT need to be expressed at volume level 11.5 Did you really just say you would "tap that ass"??? If I screamed really loud, like a ferret just bit me in the privates, would they shut up?? You think all these things. You say nothing.
----Fast forward to 10 seconds after you get off the bus.
----You.. didn't say anything. Did you? No one stood up to the little self absorbed, walking rubber bands of ego. Again. You're disgusted with yourself and with everyone around you. Hell, I'm disgusted with you and I wasn't even there. Were they carrying guns? knives? Were they big dudes, wearing ninja outfits, were they naked and crazy? No. no. As usual.. No. A busload of adults, held auditory-hostage simply because no one spoke up. Well, the root reason is that they chose to ignore the social laws of public decency. Oh sure, you've done it yourself before, there's no need to pretend you've never been a boorish public buffoon. Maybe it was the last time you drank too much with friends before heading to that bar downtown. Maybe during an excited cross country phone conversation with a friend you haven't talked to in years. Or maybe, just when you and your friends were 15, en route to see Rocky III for the fourth time. You were in the moment.. until ..that moment when you realized you were that loud, obnoxious guy you normally hate. "Screw it. I'm in the moment!", you thought. Or maybe you didnt. Maybe you experienced a twinge of guilt and moved on. All I'm saying is, you know the moment we're talking about - you know it when you do it and you certainly know it when you're forced to endure others doing it. And no, such behavior is not understandable, it's not excusable, it's not an "adorable outlet for youthful energy" - it is obnoxious, socially unacceptable behavior and to sit back and take it, year after year after year makes us all.. I'm sorry, but it’s true.. social weaklings.
----What am I suggesting, then? Raider Shoulders? Nope. too passive, in this situation. You want quiet.. that's really all you want. For you and your fellow travelers. But you're just one person and they're four. So, really - what can you do? Nothing? You've already tried that.. how'd that work out for you? Exactly. "But if I speak up, surely this group of teens will gang up on me and ridicule me and my bus-mates will look on in sympathetic horror as I toss myself to these wolves". Boo Hoo. Time to grow up. And grow a pair. In fact.. grow a busload of pairs. Your moment in the sun draws nigh... ready? Put on your sternest face and say: "Hey!! keep it down! please! you're in fucking public, no one wants to hear you all" (cursing gets their attention and appeals to their cool-people-curse! vernacular). One of them, probably the alpha-jerk of the group, will rebound with "shut up, old man" or "make me" or "perhaps it is YOU who should be the one doing the shutting up!!" .. something along those lines. This is where you employ your secret weapon, your social liberator, your Power-to-the-People-er-(er?).
----"No one wants to hear your bullshit" (again, displaying your coolness) and then drop the real bomb on, not just them, but everyone who had been dying to speak up - to the rest of the bus, quickly add: "Can I get an Amen, people??". While you're saying that, turn and look directly at either a) the biggest dudes on the bus who will physically back you up, if need be b) the people who are looking at you, shocked, but smiling in agreement c) the elderly and/or crazy people who just like to talk, period d) the bus driver e) all of the above. If one or more of your (former) hostages dont immediately throw in a token "Amen!" (and really, who doesn't like to say Amen?), you will then add "c'mon, back me up, here my peoples" (and really, who doesn't love being called "my peoples"?). At the very least, you will diffuse the tense situation somewhat and probably get a good chuckle out of those with a sense of humor. If all of that fails, turn back to the loud-talkers, sigh, and say "Alright. everyone wants you to shut the hell up, but everyone's too scared to speak up, I guess. Go ahead and talk as LOUDLY as you want... OR.. or you could have some fucking respect and keep it down". Now is the moment where it’ll seem like no one really knows what to do, but the fact that you've out-loud-ed them and shamed your whole bus will probably tip things in your favor - (if there's one thing that'll make a group of people stand up for themselves, it's being told they're scared of a much, much smaller group of people (assuming those people dont have guns or badges)). Whether anyone volunteers a better-late-than-never "Amen" or not.. these people now do have your back. You will not be getting your ass kicked today (chin up! there's always tomorrow!) and while you probably haven't made the best of friends with the loud-talkers or your busmates and while everyone involved may have learned absolutely nothing.. you will have stood up for yourself.. and for others. Mostly, you stood up for a considerate society that isnt intimidated into quietude.
----It doesn't have to be loud teenagers - it could be anyone, any group of people. Two loud homeless guys. Or three business jerks. Or five soccer momish coworkers out on the town. Blind Peruvian little people, even. Or three people just like you. They'll come in all shapes and sizes. They all, however, come in the same volume and same level of self-awareness: loud, and none.
----You can tell them to shut up. It is possible. You just need someone, or a lot of someones, to answer your call to "Back Me Up". If you inspire even a few people to stand up for themselves at some later point, you've made your city that much better of a place. Contrary to all the "dont sweat the small stuff" mantras bandied about these days, I say "do sweat the small stuff", before it becomes 'big stuff' and because sometimes, the small stuff is the only stuff you can change. Or, you can keep letting the ..busmates run the asylum, saying and doing whatever they want to, wherever they want to. Stand up for youself. Stand up for the mother covering her daughter's ears so she doesn't have to hear some wannabe street thug teens try to out-gross out or out-loud or out-sex-talk eachother. Stand up, because you can. Because you should. Stand up because someone has to be the first domino.
----Can I get an Amen?

p.s. as with the Raider Shoulder, use common sense in who you confront. Gang members, body builders, pirates and ninjas, among others, have reputations to protect. Do not challenge them. As a rule, avoid shushing those with weapons, muscles that overlap more muscles, chemical imbalances or briefcases that tick. Also, check out your fellow busmates before you speak up. Does it look like they'll back you up? If you see them all speaking in sign language to eachother or everyone's got headphones in, chances are, you'll be a little out of luck asking for an Amen. Common sense, as always, is the cornerstone of Safety First.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Preseason Football

People who argue that the (NFL) preseason games "dont count" ought to be forced to play in one; against men who've structured their lives so far to lead up to this point and no other. They're clawing desperately at ever narrowing odds of being able to play the sport they love, for money - for a few years - with even narrower odds of becoming marginally famous enough to stay in the game for a veteran average of 10 years. For the amazing feats produced under stress and competition alone, we should consider these games even more real than the regular season and rally behind aspiring players because they're the closest our couch-potato asses will ever come to being able to play on that skill level.
--other points worthy of note:
-----these guys all memorize playbooks the size of phone books.
-----these guys all. memorize. playbooks. the size. of. phone books.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Listicle 22.SS

←··→ More reasons to dislike makeup: A survey has revealed that British women spend more than two years of their lives applying and removing £22,000 worth of make-up. The research found the average woman dedicates 603 days to applying mascara, blusher, lipstick and eye-shadow - and a further 170 taking it all off again. Once I see the study that shows how many sprained and broken ankles are the result of high heels, I'll post that too.

←··→ Drool-worthy libraries. Damn Rijksmuseum library was closed when we went. Grrr.

←··→ Pshh. I make stuff like this all the time. in my MIND!

←··→ if you say you dont like cities as miniature scale models, I say you are lying!

←··→ Have you seen this man? on a truck? playing piano? with a dog on the paino? [Wash Sq Pk]

←··→ Have you seen this cat? on a bed? or window sill?

←··→ Oh my lord, this one makes my eyes ask "why are you making me look at this?":

←··→ Have I stopped loving zombies? Heyyylll No. The best line: The zombies [were] shouting "What do we want? Brains! When do we want them? Brains!"

←··→ How does the rest of the web (and the world, wide as it is) know this and I didnt?

Jury Duty: Work-Stress Release Therapy

"The Persians", on the ceiling of the inner dome of the courthouse rotunda.
¤ ¤ ¤ You ask me "Kory?" (I interrupt with a Vincent Price voice "yyyyesss?" - you grimace, annoyed, then continue) "how can I be 100% all American and partake of a most cherished get-out-of-work-free card?". In need of emphasizing your quandary, you add: "how? how?? I beseech you. Lo, please tell me!" Ignoring for now the fact that you used the words beseech and lo in a sentence, I lean back, tie the belt of my smoking jacket, and despite No Smoking signs plastered in at least 12 locations that I can see, proceed to light my pipe, stroke my beard pensively and finally, after a pause and opening paragraph far, far too long say "The answer is simple, my child.. Jury Duty".
¤ ¤ ¤ It's true. I believe I am one of 14 people on this planet that holds aloft their jury duty summons and sings the "I've got a Golden Ticket" song. "Kory, please explain! Why?" Ok. Since you asked: Where else can you: 1) avoid work 2) sit around all day 3) read (before you interject: "Kory?! that's what you do all day anyway!!", I put my index finger to your lips and sensually hum "Sssshhhhhhh! daddy's gonna make everything allllriiight." sufficiently creeped out? good, let's continue) #4. Always... number 4. 4) how about a little thing called.. serve America!?? (I say this while pumping my fist in the air, patriotically) 5) do your civic duty (yes, 'duty', please, no giggling) 6) take two hour lunches 7) explore new neighborhoods 8) all of the above.
Really, it doesn't get much better. Unless you're me, today, this morning to be specific.
¤ ¤ ¤ Day 1: My jury summonses (more on the plural later) tells me I am to arrive at 8:45am. Arriving promptly at 9:10am, I see that I am to be serving in the very same main courthouse that tried and convicted Martha Stewart, oh so many forgotten months ago. One security screening line and a 15 minute elevator wait later, I find room 452. Hollywood couldn't have done it better; it is a stunningly beautiful governmenty room replete with reassuringly courthouse-colored-wood and historic paintings of New York in a scale so massive, I'm convinced each dwarfs the square footage of my apartment. I am in awe, eyes wide, mouth a bit slack and just as I am lowering myself into a seat, of course, the fire alarm goes off. We file out the room to see a building technician hesitantly touching some fire alarm buttons while making the "please work! c'mon you stupid thing, please work" face. It doesn't work.
We file out of the building and mill about while watching five fire trucks arrive. About 30 or more firefighters file in and a few minutes later, file out. An entire courthouse full of people slowly file back in. Back upstairs, I hand in my paperwork and explain that I've been summoned twice, once as Kory Dayani and once as my birth name Kuroesh, which the NY DMV forced me to use on my drivers license to prove that still, after 36 years, Americans can not pronounce my birth name. Before I can finish explaining about the summonses, I'm interrupted, with a smile, and told to go to room 139 to have it straightened out. I dread what's about to come. Instead, I'm treated to some of the kindest and most efficient customer service I may have received so far in NY and I'm in and out of there in less than 5 minutes. I return to the jury room and sit and watch a truly bizarre video - starring Jane Pauly - describing in 1st-grade-reading-level detail, the judicial system as it'll apply to us. Needing coffee, I walk out into the hallway, which is likewise over-government-alized but Orwellianly efficient.. mirroring the quality and effect of the coffee. I return to the jury room in time to hear attendance called so I start reading my book thinking that the sound of my name will be obvious. When I realize they've finished reading the names and I haven't heard mine, I see that it wasn't so obvious. I go up and tell them I'm present. Three minutes later, they start calling names for 25 prospective jurors to head to room C. Mine is the second name called. I make a note to pay more attention to roll call tomorrow.
¤ ¤ ¤ In the jury selection room, the "jury lady" let's call her, assigns us seats using the same voice a teacher might use to direct second graders for a class photo ("No you here, you there.. yes, good"). We then begin the next long wait-and-wait period. Waiting for .. the lawyers: It's been about 6 years since I last did jury duty in which time I guess I had forgotten how lawyers, especially during jury selection, are part psychologist, part hypnotist, part your life long best friend and unintentionally, part asshole. Knowledge of the law is pretty secondary when it comes to picking a jury. Any hoo-ha about the letter of the law this or 'basing your opinion on the facts presented', these men and women will not be successful lawyers without making themselves eminently likeable. Yet despite all the niceties and camaraderie building, a bit of dick-ish-ness always seems to slip through, whether it be snidely pointing out that the opposing lawyer is running too long or cutting off a prospective juror mid-sentence for whatever reason, valid or not. Lawyers also, and I do not blame them for this, have no problem with taking their sweet. ass. time. With everything. They are representing real people with real problems paying real money to.... really slow and methodical people. Maybe it's part of the hypnotization? Maybe it's a test to see which jurors have patience and which will blurt out "Oh for the love of god, get on with it!"
¤ ¤ ¤ The case was "a slip and fall case" - I use the quotes because over the next two days, I'd become very familiar with the term. My unofficial lack of any research whatsoever shows that 125% of all personal injury lawsuits are "slip and fall" cases. It seems that a cleaning lady "slipped" and "fell" on some sand "laid down" to melt snow on a "housing" project "stairway" (sorry, now I'm just gratuitously air quoting 'cause it's fun). We listened to the lawyers vaguely describing the case while asking each juror the same battery of questions we all would have rather been asked as a group since this individual-asking method was going to take well over an hour. When it came to me, I answered their questions with what I did for a living, that I could be fair and impartial and to the question "is there any reason you do you not want to serve on this jury?" I answered: "well.. I don’t -want- to serve on this jury.. I'd rather sit in that big room out there and read my book". This got a round of laughs, convincing me I might have a future in jury selection room stand up comedy. It seemed like the most honest answer to me but deep down, I knew I'd probably been just enough of a smart-ass to get me off of this particular jury. I hadn't said anything overtly offensive or lied about some bias that I didn't have, I just told it like it is (was?). I think lawyers have a problem with people keepin' it real. And if you know me well enough, you know I love nothing more than keepin' it real. (yeah, the italics kind). You could be a total racist, keeping completely quiet and end up being selected for a jury far easier than if you asked a simple question or offered up a funny bit of truth. The latter is often reason enough to 'just not take a chance' on a juror having some sort of biased subtext behind their question or comment, though they almost surely didn't.
¤ ¤ ¤ A two and a half hour lunch later, we filed back into the jury selection room and listened to the list of those selected, hoping to not hear any syllable involved in my name. "But, I thought you said you wanted to serve on a jury?" Oh, that much is true. Just not on one so.. how do I say this..? not-at-all-interesting-whatsoever,-not-even-a-little-bit. Hey, I never said jury duty wasn't going to be all about me.
¤ ¤ ¤ Day 2: Which is probably why, the very next day, I was assigned to another slip and fall prospective jury group. An Italian immigrant had slipped "and" fallen over a sprinkler installed in 1908, leading into a building built in 1865. Why are those dates important? They're not, really, I just think it's cool that it was so long ago. The lawyers in this case were a bit more arsehole-ish and a little less skilled at the hypnotist/psychologist game. To prove this point, they put no less than five people that I saw, completely to sleep. (unlike high school English class, no one yelled at them to wake up. Interesting, because I would think that a legal case would be a bit more important than one day in high school English class). Needless to say, I wanted off of this case as well. Part of me wishes I had opted for the more charismatic lawyer duo from the last case but hey, no regrets, let's spin the wheel again: "Does anyone have a problem with the idea of awarding money for things like pain and suffering?" I raise my hand. "Lost wages and medical costs are one thing but I think I might have a problem with awarding thousands and thousands of dollars for things that aren't quantifiable. Intangible claims.. trying to project into the future how much of your life has been altered.. I think it's hard to put a dollar amount on things like that". Bingo. I was off, for sure. Again, I'd spoken nothing but the truth but I knew no prosecutor in his right mind would want a juror who'd potentially be hesitant to give his client a large, large check. I sensed that other jurors picked up on my strategy. "Can I ask if your client has brought other slip and fall cases?" asked the guy to the right of me. Emotional indignation from the lady to my left: "yeah, I'd hope to god that If -I- were injured, I'd be justly compensated!". A few others around the room offered up just enough subtle implications that they might have a personal opinion of some kind.. on anything.. related to the case or not. Long story long, no one who spoke up was selected.
¤ ¤ ¤ Released back into the large jury selection room, I checked my email on the free laptops they provide, read for a bit and waited to be released for the day or sent to another selection room. "Would all those jurors who'd been in room C follow me, please?" We followed. And entered an actual courtroom. Oooh. What does this mean? I have no idea. Have we all been selected for a case without being questioned or...? Somehow I didn't see this coming: "Ok, you've all been released from service. This document here - you're going to make three copies of it. Make three copies of it. Make three copies of it. I said that three times, right? Good. Make three copies of it. Keep one copy in different corners of your house. If you're selected again any time in the next four years - and hey, it might happen, we are the government - mail one copy in and we'll fix it. Thank you all for serving. Have a great weekend".
¤ ¤ ¤ Doh. It seems I spun the pick-me fate wheel one too many times. Despite the fact that we'd been told we'd have to be there for a minimum of three days, I was being released on day two without having been picked. My goal had of course been to get picked for a jury and to serve for 10 to 14 days or so. I had thought I would have been more disappointed but even just the two days had done wonders for mentally recharging the ol' batteries, depleted in that way that only endless workdays can sap.
¤ ¤ ¤ On my way out of the building, I used the second floor bathrooms before walking home. The stairs leading to it were, strangely, one of my favorite parts of the jury duty experience. A pearl white marble, the center areas of each of a dozen steps had been worn smooth by the footsteps of 86 years of daily use. Weekday after weekday, feet had tip tapped their way up and down seemingly impervious steps, wearing away the minutest amount of marble per step. There are moments in a city so old that history and time itself arent just visible, they're felt, even if it's just in the soles of your feet. I stood and gaped at the wear on the steps and although I knew I was alone, I said "wow" out loud, even though I was totally conscious of the fact that I was standing there saying "wow" out loud. Leaving the building, I started my aimless walk up Broadway, peering into shops and people watching, knowing the rest of the city was still working.. wishing, probably without really knowing it, that they had jury duty too.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

catskills wedding

Esra and I went to my first jewish wedding in the catskills this last weekend. the jewish part was really cool, the wedding part was.. soggy. As in, it rained from exactly the time people got to the wedding grounds till.. the next morning, when the sun came out. The tent channeled the water directly into and then all over the ground beneath the tent, creating an almost comical "oh well" scene stopping short of a Woodstock concert only by the lack of hearing-loss-inducing music and muddy nakedness. The morning/afternoon of the wedding, i played miniature golf in the rain with a guy we drove up with while the girls did yoga. This fact somehow ranks as a highlight of the weekend. On sunday, my thin styrofoam plate of breakfast split where my thumb gripped the top of it and i watched in slo-mo as my food went from horizontal to vertical to horizontal to a roomfull of "AWWWww"'s. A chorus in such perfect unison that i have to add that to the highlight reel too. Other highlights included: Esra's cute obsession with finding mouse poop in our B&B room, the vortex of customer-service-less-ness that is the catskills and yours truly wearing a yamulka. no lie, i've got pictures.


the A Team. take a wild guess who's Mr T, sucka!

Esra models the wisest shoe choice of the weekend. (galloshes)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Sumac Skirt Steak with Pomegranate Reduction

I'll admit I'm including this here more for me so I dont lose the recipe than for any of you (though I of course encourage you to make it also). To me and my taste buds, there aren't any more intensely-Iranian flavors than sumac and pomegranates. I was so gung-ho to track down this recipe that I went into a bookstore near my work this morning, found the magazine and sat there text typing it into my phone (yes, like a total dork). Borrowed without permission (but made world famous by me, here!) from Gourmet Magazine:

Sumac Skirt Steak with Pomegranate Reduction
2 cups pomegranate juice
1 teaspoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon lemon
1 tablespoon sumac
2 pounds skirt steak
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 tablespoons shallots
1/4 cup tawny port

bring pomegranate juice, lemon, sugar, 1 tablespoon butter and ¼ teaspoon salt to boil then reduce to simmer. Simmer 20-30 minutes until liquid has reduced by one third. preheat broiler. mix sumac, pepper and remaining salt together. In a baking pan, lay skirt steaks and sprinkle sumac mixture on top. let sit for 10 minutes to absorb. broil 3-4 inches from flame, 2-3 minutes per side. Remove and let meat sit for 10 minutes. Bring 2 tablespoon butter to a foam, adding shallots then the port. Add any meat juices from the meat plate and simmer. Whisk in the pomegranate reduction.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Listicle 21.IZ

▫▫▫▫▫▫▫ this is the happiest song in our solar system. with or without Pluto!! open it in a new window and let it play in the background while you check out the links below.

▫▫▫▫▫▫▫ from happiest song to the most beautiful (and my current favorite). seriously, it almost makes me weepy. Weepy and yet still very, very manly. Ignore the video (if you want), it was the only way to get the song to you. The band is Conjure One (a project by Rhys Fulber of Front Line Assembly and Delerium), the song is Center of the Sun.

▫▫▫▫▫ they put another of my overheard's in Overheard In New York (second one down).

▫▫▫▫▫ My OhMyGodIamSOoOoFreakin'Excited item of the day IS!!!! drumroll (or drumstick.. or eggroll) please! - Of course, it's on St Marks but will that stop me? I'm sorry, you were saying something? I couldn't hear you over the deliciousness of my roast pork bun and grilled cheese and mac and cheese pocket and musubi and and and and and and and.....

▫▫▫▫▫ $125??? I will do it for $99.95 and I'll give you two 8½ by 11's! give one to a friend!

▫▫▫▫▫ It's rare that I check out web animations and Very rare that they make me laugh.. yes, out loud even. 2 good chuckles, I swear. (even rarer that I'd recommend them to anyone)

▫▫▫▫▫ amazing stop motion films. check out Kaboom.

▫▫▫▫▫ Oh West Coasters, gather round as I tell fantastic tales about transportation methods not involving just you sitting in your car.. they're called.. "sub - ways". Many cities employ them.. and care about them... make them beautiful even. look.

▫▫▫▫▫ REARRRHH!! dont like that picture? click on the picture? dont like that picture? click on the picture? dont like that picture? click on the picture? ... 5 hours later............

Thursday, August 17, 2006

wedding guest

---- Esra dragged me kicking and screaming and crying like a baby took me as her date to a wedding on Saturday. To say it was it a painfully long and annoying experience would be like saying that the cosine of a triangle is found by dividing the length of the adjacent side of a reference angle by the length of the hypotenuse. Duhh!!~
-- Rumor has it that men hate weddings... dont ask me where I heard that, just know that rumor is fact as my nearly-boredom-and-annoyance-exploded-head can attest. The only highlights to the day and night were these: the wedding was tv-textbook complete, with wedding march, priest-read vows, the famous Corinthians "Love is___" reading, flower girl, reception, party, the whole works. The party was held here (an annoying 45 minute shuttle bus ride from the wedding, but beautiful, for sure) and despite the fact that the wedding band was waaaay too into themselves and the dinner, slated for 7:30, was served at 9:30 - it proved to be at such an ideal locale, it made the rest of the annoyances almost bearable.
-- Other highlights included: a) one lone bat circling above everyone's heads while the bridesmaids and best man read their speeches (despite all my best mental efforts at telekenisis, I couldn't make the bat fly into anyone's face). b) the bride's drunk sisters rambling on about things only they found giggle-funny c) the couple we drove up with getting pretty sloshed, leading to... an ... interesting ride home. d) the unfortunate fact that I forgot to go to the bathroom before we got in the (car service) car for the 2 hour ride home and of course had to go about halfway through the trip, leading to this conversation: "um.. guys.. hey, I'm really sorry, but I have to go to the bathroom" - "what??? why didn't you go when we were at the mansion??" - "I .. uh.. didn't think I had to go." - "driver? is there a gas station near where we could use the restroom" - "umm.. no, there's really not" - "Uhh.. well.. I dont care where we stop, but we're going to need to stop at some point soon... sorry" - no one says anything.. I then say "hey, I dont care if we just have to pull over on the freeway here, but I need to go... really, I am sorry" - never thinking that he would ACTUALLY pull over on the side of a major 6 lane freeway - which, he ... of course, did. So I get out and of course there's no bushes or trees I can really hide behind so I turn away from the car and traffic we've been driving along with but - of course - this means the other side of the freeway can see... my business - if they are so inclined, which in my mind, they all are. So I'm standing there, trying to pee, which I desperately need to do, but I might as well be standing on stage at Radio City Music hall with my pants down. I am also all-too-aware that our driver and my fellow passengers are watching out for cops and oh yeah, everyone in the state of New York is looking at my penis at that very moment. Zen... relax.. waterfalls, no one is looking.. you're in your own bathroom at home, no one is HONNNNNK!!!! Grrr. Why didn't I go at the damn mansion?
-- The thought of getting back in the car without having gone was finally enough to .. relieve me.. of said mental block.

Micro Memoir

too short for a full journal post? too long or inappropriate for a listicle? try a Micro Memoir! filling and delicious. you'll lose weight just reading them.

-- Becoming aware of a disturbing trend in NY subway ads, I noticed the other day that tube travel is now, somewhat ironically, wrapped tightly in a coccoon of "Get out of ___". Get out of debt ads, get out of your troubled marriage (for cheap!), get out of your dead end job, your bad skin situation, your non-beach city, your less than angel white teeth because life is always greener on the other side of your bank account, on leaving your dentist, your lawyer's office, your new workplace. Am I just now realizing that ads try to sell you a new life? No. Every product that's ever been advertised or class or service promises that transformative, worldly relief only their organization knows how to provide. What I'm really suprised at is the read-between-the-lines lack of contentment implied in the ads. 'You've made your life crap, let us help you get out of those mistakes you willingly walked into'. As if your life has been reduced to a series of stupid dead ends you drove into and now need to back up out of and try again (loser!). Maybe it's true. Maybe you do need help with certain things; one or more of those ads may be just what you need (you should probably enlist in escape to the army if you if you need them all). Or maybe you should get out of the frame of mind where everything in life will be dandy if you could just get out of that one last little problem in your life. That and the fact that our commute, from open air to trains-inside-of-subterranean-tubes is shrink wrapped not in confinement, but in dreams of escape.


Matthias: we were supposed to go to atlantic city to see the foo fighters
Matthias: but I had to bail
kory dayani: i think Jesus would have to be playing 5 instruments simultaneously while naked angels had a lesbian free-for-all to get me to go to atlantic city to see a show


People who argue that the (NFL) preseason games "dont count" ought to be forced to play in one; against men who've structured their lives so far to lead up to this point and no other. They're clawing desperately at ever narrowing odds of being able to play the sport they love, for money - for a few years - with even narrower odds of becoming marginally famous enough to stay in the game for a veteran average of 10 years. For the amazing feats produced under stress and competition alone, we should consider these games even more real than the regular season and rally behind aspiring players because they're the closest our couch-potato asses will ever come to being able to play on that skill level.
--other points worthy of note:
-----these guys all memorize playbooks the size of phone books.
-----these guys all. memorize. playbooks. the size. of. phone books..
-----"We talk about it being just the preseason," [Raiders] free safety Stuart Schweigert said, "but once you establish that winning feeling [Raiders currently are 3-0], you want to have it every week. I think we lost what it felt like to win the last couple years. We're hungry for it and want to keep getting it."

Friday, August 11, 2006

celebrity conversations, imagined:

[elevator door opens, revealing Paris Hilton and her bodyguard staring vacantly]

Kevin Bacon: Heyyy... well... Paris. Hi.
Paris Hilton: Hi.
Kevin Bacon: good to see you again. [looks for recognition, sees none] 'member? we met in 97 at the Las Vegas Hilton?
Paris Hilton: do I know you?
Kevin Bacon: yeah. Kevin Bacon. well, no you dont know know me, but we met.
Paris Hilton: when?
Kevin Bacon: '97. 1997. In Las Vegas.
Paris Hilton: oh yeah.
Kevin Bacon: oh yeah 'you remember'.. or.. oh yeah 'I just said '97'?
Paris Hilton: what?
Kevin Bacon: nevermind... what are you doing here?
Paris Hilton: Umm.. we're going up [gives her bodyguard a "duh" look]
Kevin Bacon: No I mean in Veil. what are you doing in Veil? skiing?
Paris Hilton: I'm buying a llama. it's name is Georgie. well, it's gonna be Georgie at least, unless it's a dude llama.. in which case I'll name him Poncherello.
Kevin Bacon: cool. that sounds.... umm...
Paris Hilton: who are you?
Kevin Bacon: Kevin Bacon. I'm an actor? You've probably seen me in some movies. [pause] Footloose? Flatliners? [pause] Apollo 13?
Paris Hilton: Oh yeah. Flashdance.
Kevin Bacon: No. that wasn't me.
Paris Hilton: what? why not? what about Six Degrees of Separation?
Kevin Bacon: no, but close. some people made up a game where they use me to tie other actors together through various movies I've been in.
Paris Hilton: you play a game where you tie up actors??? that's awesome.. like in Swimming With Sharks.
Kevin Bacon: this is my floor. good talking to you.
Paris Hilton: bye, sexy.


[by the hotel pool]

Carson Daily: duuude, what's up, man? wow. it's great to meet you!
John MacEnroe: Hi. uhh.. you look familiar.
Carson Daily: Carson Daily... the Carson Daily show? MTV? what's up, bro?? I've been a fan for for... since WAY back!
John MacEnroe: you have a tv show?
Carson Daily: yeah, it's cool. Oh man - great idea: I totally wanna have you as a guest.. would you.. be up for somethin' like that?
John MacEnroe: Uh.. sure, yeah. I'm no music expert but..
Carson Daily: oh, dont worry about it, we wont even talk about music.
John MacEnroe: your show's on MTV? but we wont tal..
Carson Daily: yeah, it's totally cool, no worries man.
John MacEnroe: you have a tv show???
Carson Daily: yeah, why?
John MacEnroe: Oh, nuthin'. what's your show about? what's the format?
Carson Daily: it's a talk show. I talk to people. Or they talk. You know, talk show kinda stuff.
John MacEnroe: Yeah, I know.
Carson Daily: huh? well, yeah.. I'll have my people call your people then. Man, this is wicked! Ivan MacEnroe!! I cant believe it... This'll be awesome!
John MacEnroe: it's ... nevermind... yeah, do that. your people, my people .. will talk I guess, then.
Carson Daily: [impersonating John MacEnroe] Out?? What do you mean that was out?? that was soooo IN! Duuude! C'mon!
John MacEnroe: Ha ha. yeah. I used to get...
Carson Daily: ok bro, I gotta jet. We'll talk.
[Carson Daily leaves]
John MacEnroe: douchebag.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

A fantasy football choose-your-own-adventure novel

Your work week slides by in a series of conference calls and utterly forgettable moments. Before you know it, Friday night is upon you and you're still at work - You sigh and look at the clock. Not long now... you have a dinner date in 30 minutes and need to shut down your computer and get the heck out of there!! but, DAMN! you forgot to set your fantasy football line up! Quickly, you hightail it over to your fantasy page and check to see who you've got Active. Good thing that you did, your Tight End has a BYE this week! Your knees tremble slightly and blood flushes from your face; you almost played this week without a tight end, surely making you the laughing stock of your league. Your other active starters are locks this week, somehow they're all playing against Detroit. If you select your backup tight end Kellen Winslow to be active, go to page 83. If you try to pick up a Free Agent TE and quickly slot him as Active, go to page 113

Your second tier running back has just been arrested in a high speed chase and shoot-out claiming the lives of his baby's mama and 37 mailmen on their lunchbreaks. There are only two days left before the trade deadline and suddenly, the thought of trading the Falcons Defense for Edgerin James doesn't sound so bad, even if he is in Arizona. Do you make the trade with your interdivision rival or will you scour the free agent/waiver wire for a last minute roster drop? Turn to page 375 to make the trade, turn to page 486 to play the free agent gamble.

Your love life is finally on the upswing. Things are going great with the Olive Garden hostess you met at your office christmas party, you just got a one percent raise at work and your sister just married that a-hole who owns the boat dealership - you hate him but it means weekends on a boat in the bay. Life couldn't be better. Do you play Peyton Manning against a strong Bills Defense (page 633) or Phillip Rivers against the spotty Titans Defense (page 698)?

Your entire team is made up of Oakland Raider players - normally this would be a very wise decision based on your deep commitment to excellence.. but the Raiders have a Bye this week. You'll need to drop some players to pick up some non-Raiders. Do you drop Janikowski and the TE Courtney Anderson and scramble together a rag-tag team of free agents (page 744) or do you play like a real man and activate all your Raiders, believing in their ability to score points without even playing? (page 788)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Listicle 20.0Ż

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ I couldn't decide which to use as an example, they're all my favorite.

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ Coming back from lunch just now, I saw an older black guy selling stuff near Bowling Green wearing: leather sandals, many-pocketed cargo pants, a D.A.R.E. t-shirt, assorted gold and silver colored jewelry, a tan beret and.. and I'm still trying to believe this part myself.. a restaraunt-style paper-wrapped straw pulled through one earing hole. - The thought of him later using this straw, for some reason, makes me want to mentally throw up inside my brain. ...It takes a lot to phase me.. Kudos Sir, kudos.

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ If I didn't already have a self cleaning litterbox, I'd buy this one. Watch the how-it-works animation to see the novel concept the use for the emptying process. Oh and it's got the word "robot" in it which always gets major bonus points from me.

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ fly a plane through your favorite google cities. and uhh.. shoot bullets? and crash? really, Google??

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ most hilarious stuff I've read in a long while: "His usual tactic is to assume a character and infiltrate an organization (the Raelians, Hollywood studios, the Guardian Angels, the Philip Michael-Thomas Psychic Reader Network) and then write about his experiences".
Update: I just finished his book The Harmon Chronicles. Funniest f'n book I've read in a year or more.

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ Esra and I in ascii. just 'cause...

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ not actual photos, they're photorealistic gradient mesh vector art.. would you have known?

ôÕõØøŏŐőǿ I'm sorry Esra, you are now in competition with this robot.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

my second article published - the Raider Shoulder

8/3/06 update: I sent an email to the people at, the definitive link to all things Oakland Raiders, they collect and post links to every Raider-related article they can find in their scouring of national papers - I've gone to this site every day for the past 5 or 6 years - and today they put up a link to my article! meaning Raider fans everywhere will be reading it today!! (maybe even owner Al Davis? hey, it's said he does nothing but live and read and breathe Raiders)
The perfectionist in me knows the article isn't perfect, but hey... whatcha gonna do? it's a fun piece meant for fun. ok, enough second guessing. let's get back to how awesome I am.


Just a quick FYI that I got a second article published by theSimon.
WOO HOO me! Kory is the best! and hottest! I totally wanna make out with him!
ok, maybe not that last one. not me making out with me at least.

Anyyyyou... here's the direct link.

The Joy of the Raider Shoulder
By Kory Dayani, Aug 2, 2006
The first rule of Raider-Shoulder club is … tell everyone about Raider-Shoulder club.

.....“What is a Raider Shoulder?” you ask. The "Raider Shoulder," as not-at-all-defined by Merriam-Webster, is a walking shoulder nudge to someone who, most often through general absent-mindedness or intentional arsehole-ness, moved himself into your way or, after you say “excuse me,” does not get out of your way.
.....Originally, the name "Raider Shoulder" derived from the vicious tackles of Oakland Raider hall-of-fame safety Jack Tatum. I have seen film footage of dozens of his tackles where four things happened, almost instantaneously: 1) a fast moving blur of Jack Tatum is seen coming in for a hard hit; 2) a massive collision occurs; 3) the player hit goes flying, limbs flailing like a rag doll; and 4) Jack Tatum remains standing, nonchalantly looking down at his victim, as if he had calculated the physics needed to crush someone and remain standing.
.....In practice, however, the Raider Shoulder isn't at all vicious but actually refers to keeping your stride’s momentum regardless of what absent-minded people around you are doing. I hate to romanticize it – who am I kidding, I love nothing more than romanticizing it – but it is very Zen in its cycle of maintaining your own harmonic motion through space while disrupting the disharmonic motion that people who don’t pay attention exude. Walk through the obstacles placed before you; Bruce Lee would often say, "Do not strike a target, strike through your target." Bruce would have given a masterful Raider Shoulder.
.....Why is this necessary? Well, because we all have common sense. We all know when someone around us is holding us up or causing a traffic jam for others. We even realize in hindsight that we have done that to others. That's fine. If you've done that, you deserved a Raider Shoulder. I'm sorry, but you did. I'm not above this by any means. I have literally congratulated people on the fine Raider Shoulders they've delivered to me. ("Good one!" I’ll say, in a truly impressed tone). New York Zen, in fact, dictates that your day should not be disrupted by the self-involvement of others. You shouldn't be dodging out of the way of people. You have your own space and agenda. Respect it enough to maintain it.
For example:
* A bottleneck of people form so that opposing traffic can only pass each other one at a time in either direction, but two conversing people coming at you still insist on walking side by side. You definitely have to give a Raider Shoulder to the one nearest you.
* You're walking down the street and someone, or a group of people, just stops. Right in front of you. Without considering who might be walking right behind them... rrring-rrring ... hello? who's there? Raider Shoulder!!
* A group of three or more people walk side by side, walking straight at you. What do you do? You keep a deadpan expression, gaze straight through them, and Raider Shoulder if needed. (Often they'll part to let you through... if they don’t - bon appetit! deeelicious Raider Shoulder time!)
* You've been holding a door open for people to enter a building, and as you go to enter after them, some corporate meathead on a cell phone tries to barrel out of the building without a look or word of thanks for holding the door open... 'Ello Gov'nah! Raida' Shoulda' fo’ya'!!
* People crowd a subway train door and don’t let people off? Ohh, sweet Tatum. There's a whole lotta Raider Shoulder about to be dished out!
.....Am I describing some sort of individual vigilante justice? Maybe. Is it my job to teach people lessons? Well... probably not. Am I suggesting we create an almost fight-club type atmosphere by suggesting that everyone should take personal responsibility for enforcing the rules of public common sense and then accept accountability for when you've broken those rules, accident or not? Why yes, it would seem that I am. Is asking questions and then answering them myself annoying? You bet it is. Will I stop? Probably not. Why not? Don’t know... kinda don’t feel like it. Ok, really I done now? ........yes.
.....I know this all comes off with an air of condescension, but honestly that has to be part of it. It has to be part of it. You are doing something right. And someone else is doing something wrong. Need an official mandate? Fine. I hereby deputize you as autonomous instruments of justice in the interest of maintaining order. Vigilantes dole out justice, that's what they do. If I were advocating knocking people to the ground or punching people in the kidneys, sure, I'd be crazy, worthy of being locked up. I'm talking about a simple Raider Shoulder.
.....Since the Raider Shoulder is basically for people "not playing by the rules" of general walking traffic, it must be done in a way wherein it is obvious to the person being bumped into that he was at fault. But there are varying degrees of the strength of the Raider Shoulder you should be delivering, of course – and different strengths for different offenders.
.....Mean old ladies might need, at the most, a slight nudge – you really don’t want to be the person everyone's staring at for knocking an old lady down. Try not to lay hits on children either – generally, your shoulders will be above their head height anyway. Basically, make the punishment fit the crime. Also, don’t Raider Shoulder roving gangs of hooligans.... or psychotic crazy people. I haven't had reason to try, but I'm going to guess that it'd be a good idea not to Raider Shoulder the police, either. Or body builders. What about people with knives? Good, you're catching on – off limits. Safety first.
.....If you're not using common sense with whom you Raider Shoulder... well... maybe you need a Raider Shoulder. In the right hands and used properly, the Raider Shoulder will be your friend. It will love and protect you. It will instill a feeling of self-reliance and assuredness. It will administer small bits of justice in small enough doses to small-time offenders. It will make your food taste better and your hair luxuriously soft. One last point. Once you Raider Shoulder, never look back. Always smile to yourself as you walk away. Never apologize (unless you accidentally Raider Shouldered too hard to fit the “crime”). You will feel better, they will have learned a lesson … or not. In which case, someone else should teach them again, later.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Listicle 19.6I

ÌìÍíÎîÏïĨĩĪīĬĭĮįİı - It's that time again, peoples! time to score me (and/or you and me) Saturday Night Live tickets!! - "To enter the Saturday Night Live ticket lottery for the upcoming 2006-2007 season send an email in the month of August only to Please include all contact information and do not request a specific date. If you are selected, you will receive two tickets to a random show date and time. You may only send one email per household and all audience members must be at least 16 years of age. Please note that entering the lottery does not guarantee tickets, and you will only be notified in the event that you are chosen. "

ÌìÍíÎîÏïĨĩĪīĬĭĮįİı - Sadly, most people probably wont ever see this article because it's a) in a magazine b) longer than the 3.5-minute American-attention-span limit c) yet another depressing example of covert politics run amok: Even before the bombs fell on Baghdad, a group of senior Pentagon officials were plotting to invade another country. Their covert campaign once again relied on false intelligence and shady allies. But this time, the target was Iran. BY JAMES BAMFORD in Rolling Stone magazine

ÌìÍíÎîÏïĨĩĪīĬĭĮįİı - Heat wave got your salivary glands parched? prepare to drool.

ÌìÍíÎîÏïĨĩĪīĬĭĮįİı - Get yo baby bumpin' the mad hydraulics action in preparation the low-rider hoopdies we'll all ride in the future.

ÌìÍíÎîÏïĨĩĪīĬĭĮįİı - I really dont know what to say about this... or this (because it's all well and good until your child races his little engine down the stairs)

Friday, July 28, 2006

Movies I've seen since the last time I told you about movies I've seen

I'm not much in the writing mood lately so here's Movies I've seen since the last time I told you about the movies I've seen:

The World's Fastest Indian everybody-wants-to-hate-but-has-to-love-adorable-old-man Anthony Hopkins. that's the whole movie. oh ya, he races a speedster motorcycle.
Awesome: I F**kin' Shot That! - Beastie Boys give 50 crappy video cameras to fans.. have them shakily tape a run-of-the-mill Beastie Boys show.
Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter Jr. - AWESOME Erroll Morris documentary about an electrician who made death penalty devices for states, then hired to disprove the holocaust, ruining his career and.. well.. quirky coolness.
Protocols of Zion - frustrating documentary wherein director interviews and debates with idiots who believe Jews caused or were aware of 9/11 before it happened.
Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story - British mockumentary that's first 20 minutes bored me silly so I stopped watching.
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill - AWESOME documentary on the.. guess? wild parrots of San Francisco's telegraph hill and the quirky dude who takes care of 'em.
Fast, Cheap & Out of Control - AWESOME Erroll Morris documentary. see it.
The Matador - Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinear are fairly entertaining.
Murderball - GREAT documentary on parapalegic wheelchair rugby players.
Underworld: Evolution - I saw the first Underworld, I didn't like it, so why would I rent the second one? I dont know.
16 Blocks - As much as you wanna not like Bruce Willis, he's still got it. Damn entertaining son of a bitch. at what age will you stop being such an awesome bad-ass, Mr. Willis?
Cache - borrrrrring and needlessly artsy. coulda been 25 min's & told the same story.
Madea's Family Reunion - this showed up in the mail, i thought "why the F did I rent this??" and then didn't watch it.
Ultraviolet - Oh Mila. you're still beautiful but you sure do make sucky movies lately.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - AWESOME. Best action movie I've seen this year. Val Kilmner and Robert Downey Jr are (what's the word of the day?) ENTERTAINING beyond belief. see it!
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic - Who's your favorite sexy comedian Jew? Really?? you said Seinfeld??? what's wrong with you? Ms Silverman made me giggle to tears.
Munich - AWESOME and Highly Accurate rendition of the book I read when I was 14, Vengeance by George Jonas. Wow. See it. great, great movie.
Wet Hot American Summer - HILARIOUS and funny-people-packed summer camp movie.
A History of Violence - Purty good thriller that feels like a gritty novel.
Brokeback Mountain - Yeesh. finally saw it.. what's all the hubbub about bub? Oooh, gay sex, oh no! it must be a controversial and brilliant film! whatever. it was ok.
The Producers - for some reason I rented and returned this without watching.
Everything Is Illuminated - for the same reason I rented and returned this without watching.
Mad Hot Ballroom GREAT documentary on urban schoolkids learning to ballroom dance.
Shopgirl - decent Steve Martin book-to-movie. I'd rather see a the Pleasure of My Company made though.
Dirty Pretty Things - lured in by Audrew Tatuo,.. I still couldn't bring myself to watch it.
Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable - AWESOME ... any/all Eddie Izzard stand up is AWESOME
Aeon Flux Ehhh. sexy looking sci-fi, not so sexy script.
The Weather Man Why do I rent these things if I'm not gonna watch 'em?
Hostel - Good god... horrrrrrrible, lame, not interesting, not scary, just stupid. avoid.
Good Night, and Good Luck Good stuff. a little stuffy & full of itself, but definitely recommended
Stay Pretty good thriller with Ewan McStarWars and other good peoples
Breakfast on Pluto seriously, why rent if I'm not gonna watch? Oh yeah, netflix queue.
The Squid and the Whale For a learned, UES sad-gedy, it was pretty good stuff.
Hustle & Flow It's a hard knock life for a pimp, but darned fun to watch.
King Kong Ohhh good action films, you do so entertain me.
A Sound of Thunder Hmm.. a good back-to-the-future-Oops-you-changed-everything film.
Paradise Now AWESOME and intense movie about two Palestinian "suiciders"
The Legend of Zorro Yeesh. please dont make any more of these. please?
Close-Up it sounds way better than it was: ostensibly a documentary about an impostor of another Iranian director, Mohsen Makhmalbaf. Kirostami's done way better.
The Brown Bunny - bore + ing does not = "controversial". it = avoid.
Bubble - slow but awesome soderberg flick about life in/around a Southern doll factory.
Junebug Hmm.. not the best movie in the world but recommendable, definitely.
Da Ali G Show: Season 2: Disc 2 (2-Disc Series) - AWESOME, as always
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Less entertaining with each new potter incarnation.
Project Grizzly this dude is NUTS, but I didn't need 1.5 hrs to be shown it.
Jarhead AWESOME flick... war sucks.
Prime Rented it, didnt watch it, what made me think I would????
Immortal Very surreal sci-fi flick, part computer animation, part live actors, VERY interesting script. still, somehow slightly hard to sit through.
Domino AWESOME action flick. girls kick ass!
MirrorMask See Immortal and avoid this one.
Broken Flowers The bill murray worship continues... decent, I guess.
The Girl from Monday way low budget and sorta film school feeling. I watch a bit & turned it off
Zathura AWESOME - most underrated flick of the past few years I'd say. EMMININTLY entertaining, fun, great, awesome, all that good stuff. SEE IT.
Thumbsucker Semi-artsy but not too-much-so flick about.. guess... guess??? a thumbsucker
Womb Raider I rented this as a gag - the title is just too funny. the movie turned out to be soft kissy kissy lesbi-porn.
Serenity Good stuff. I didn't see any of the tv series Firefly but ya didn't really need to with the way they did the movie which is always worth a thumbs up to a the director
Doom who doesn't love the Rock? man, he's funny. sadly, this movie was lame (minus the 5 minute first person scene at the end)
The Brothers Grimm read the book.
2046 Slowwwww and not too interesting... i turned it off, I must admit.
The Transporter 2 the first one was Top Notch Action. is there such a thing as bottom notch?
Lord of War Pretty darned good Nick Cage. good bio on the arms trade business.
The Aristocrats Most OVERRATED cult film I've seen in a long time and NO - Bob Sagat is NOT hilarious, just gratuitous and his laughing at how funny he thinks he is makes me wish I were a rattlesnake in his shoe closet.
Melinda and Melinda Funny stuff - when is Will Ferrell NOT funny stuff?
Permanent Midnight I still think drug films are laaaaame. this was no exception, sorry Ben
Sky High decent action hero flick.. fun. very watchable.
Wedding Crashers Overrated. moderately funny but not that funny.
Grizzly Man WOW. Poor Timothy Treadwell, you loved those bears so. they loved eating you so
The Baxter AWESOME .. hilaaaarious! from the kids who brought you Stella.
Saving Face slightly-better-than-decent heartwarming flick.
The Dukes of Hazzard Uncle Jesse is rolling over in his grave.
Stacy You know I LOVES ME the zombie films!! Stacy was... eh... but in normal-movie-rating-mode, that equals AWESOME!
Jay and Silent Bob Do Degrassi - ok, NO. you've gone too far. see Dogma or Mallrats if you need your Kevin Smith fix.
The Island Not Too Shabby. then again, not too awesome, either.
Fantastic Four GOOD stuff... very entertaining.
Versus: Director's Cut Ehh, they lured me in with hints of zombies. not so.
War of the Worlds Tom Cruise is the Howard Dean of acting
Errol Morris' First Person: The Complete Series: Disc 1-3 (3-Disc Series) AWESOME! MOST ENTERTAINING and bizarelly educational thing I've seen in... ever. My Erroll Morris love is born of this. s-e-e i-t.
Martin & Orloff hilarious and entertainingly annoying. much recommended.
March of the Penguins AWE-cute-SOME. nuff said.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fugging PUKE. what an insult to the original.
Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Best of the three, I'd say.
Me and You and Everyone We Know MOST excellent. definitely recommended.
Stealth catch a few minutes of this when it aires on regular TV. Firefox, it is not.
Man with the Screaming Brain Bruce Campbell is my hero. is the man. is THEE man.
Bewitched Nicole Kidman is my daydream wife, but avoid this movie. see the original.
House of Wax Paris Hilton is my daydream goomah, but it wasn't enough to make me see this. Returned it without watching.
Herbie: Fully Loaded Lindsay Lohan is my daydream girl that kissed me at 6 grade camp, but avoid this one too & see the originals... wait.. no need. skip the originals too.
Kingdom of Heaven blehhh. Kingdom of chick flick masquerading as historical drama/action.
The Ladies Man Oh Tim Meadows... why aren't you in more movies?