my second article published - the Raider Shoulder

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8/3/06 update: I sent an email to the people at RaiderNews.com, the definitive link to all things Oakland Raiders, they collect and post links to every Raider-related article they can find in their scouring of national papers - I've gone to this site every day for the past 5 or 6 years - and today they put up a link to my article! meaning Raider fans everywhere will be reading it today!! (maybe even owner Al Davis? hey, it's said he does nothing but live and read and breathe Raiders)
The perfectionist in me knows the article isn't perfect, but hey... whatcha gonna do? it's a fun piece meant for fun. ok, enough second guessing. let's get back to how awesome I am.

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Just a quick FYI that I got a second article published by theSimon.
WOO HOO me! Kory is the best! and hottest! I totally wanna make out with him!
ok, maybe not that last one. not me making out with me at least.

Anyyyyou... here's the direct link.

The Joy of the Raider Shoulder
By Kory Dayani, Aug 2, 2006
The first rule of Raider-Shoulder club is … tell everyone about Raider-Shoulder club.

.....“What is a Raider Shoulder?” you ask. The "Raider Shoulder," as not-at-all-defined by Merriam-Webster, is a walking shoulder nudge to someone who, most often through general absent-mindedness or intentional arsehole-ness, moved himself into your way or, after you say “excuse me,” does not get out of your way.
.....Originally, the name "Raider Shoulder" derived from the vicious tackles of Oakland Raider hall-of-fame safety Jack Tatum. I have seen film footage of dozens of his tackles where four things happened, almost instantaneously: 1) a fast moving blur of Jack Tatum is seen coming in for a hard hit; 2) a massive collision occurs; 3) the player hit goes flying, limbs flailing like a rag doll; and 4) Jack Tatum remains standing, nonchalantly looking down at his victim, as if he had calculated the physics needed to crush someone and remain standing.
.....In practice, however, the Raider Shoulder isn't at all vicious but actually refers to keeping your stride’s momentum regardless of what absent-minded people around you are doing. I hate to romanticize it – who am I kidding, I love nothing more than romanticizing it – but it is very Zen in its cycle of maintaining your own harmonic motion through space while disrupting the disharmonic motion that people who don’t pay attention exude. Walk through the obstacles placed before you; Bruce Lee would often say, "Do not strike a target, strike through your target." Bruce would have given a masterful Raider Shoulder.
.....Why is this necessary? Well, because we all have common sense. We all know when someone around us is holding us up or causing a traffic jam for others. We even realize in hindsight that we have done that to others. That's fine. If you've done that, you deserved a Raider Shoulder. I'm sorry, but you did. I'm not above this by any means. I have literally congratulated people on the fine Raider Shoulders they've delivered to me. ("Good one!" I’ll say, in a truly impressed tone). New York Zen, in fact, dictates that your day should not be disrupted by the self-involvement of others. You shouldn't be dodging out of the way of people. You have your own space and agenda. Respect it enough to maintain it.
For example:
* A bottleneck of people form so that opposing traffic can only pass each other one at a time in either direction, but two conversing people coming at you still insist on walking side by side. You definitely have to give a Raider Shoulder to the one nearest you.
* You're walking down the street and someone, or a group of people, just stops. Right in front of you. Without considering who might be walking right behind them... rrring-rrring ... hello? who's there? Raider Shoulder!!
* A group of three or more people walk side by side, walking straight at you. What do you do? You keep a deadpan expression, gaze straight through them, and Raider Shoulder if needed. (Often they'll part to let you through... if they don’t - bon appetit! deeelicious Raider Shoulder time!)
* You've been holding a door open for people to enter a building, and as you go to enter after them, some corporate meathead on a cell phone tries to barrel out of the building without a look or word of thanks for holding the door open... 'Ello Gov'nah! Raida' Shoulda' fo’ya'!!
* People crowd a subway train door and don’t let people off? Ohh, sweet Tatum. There's a whole lotta Raider Shoulder about to be dished out!
.....Am I describing some sort of individual vigilante justice? Maybe. Is it my job to teach people lessons? Well... probably not. Am I suggesting we create an almost fight-club type atmosphere by suggesting that everyone should take personal responsibility for enforcing the rules of public common sense and then accept accountability for when you've broken those rules, accident or not? Why yes, it would seem that I am. Is asking questions and then answering them myself annoying? You bet it is. Will I stop? Probably not. Why not? Don’t know... kinda don’t feel like it. Ok, really ...am I done now? ........yes.
.....I know this all comes off with an air of condescension, but honestly that has to be part of it. It has to be part of it. You are doing something right. And someone else is doing something wrong. Need an official mandate? Fine. I hereby deputize you as autonomous instruments of justice in the interest of maintaining order. Vigilantes dole out justice, that's what they do. If I were advocating knocking people to the ground or punching people in the kidneys, sure, I'd be crazy, worthy of being locked up. I'm talking about a simple Raider Shoulder.
.....Since the Raider Shoulder is basically for people "not playing by the rules" of general walking traffic, it must be done in a way wherein it is obvious to the person being bumped into that he was at fault. But there are varying degrees of the strength of the Raider Shoulder you should be delivering, of course – and different strengths for different offenders.
.....Mean old ladies might need, at the most, a slight nudge – you really don’t want to be the person everyone's staring at for knocking an old lady down. Try not to lay hits on children either – generally, your shoulders will be above their head height anyway. Basically, make the punishment fit the crime. Also, don’t Raider Shoulder roving gangs of hooligans.... or psychotic crazy people. I haven't had reason to try, but I'm going to guess that it'd be a good idea not to Raider Shoulder the police, either. Or body builders. What about people with knives? Good, you're catching on – off limits. Safety first.
.....If you're not using common sense with whom you Raider Shoulder... well... maybe you need a Raider Shoulder. In the right hands and used properly, the Raider Shoulder will be your friend. It will love and protect you. It will instill a feeling of self-reliance and assuredness. It will administer small bits of justice in small enough doses to small-time offenders. It will make your food taste better and your hair luxuriously soft. One last point. Once you Raider Shoulder, never look back. Always smile to yourself as you walk away. Never apologize (unless you accidentally Raider Shouldered too hard to fit the “crime”). You will feel better, they will have learned a lesson … or not. In which case, someone else should teach them again, later.