Thursday, August 17, 2006

wedding guest

---- Esra dragged me kicking and screaming and crying like a baby took me as her date to a wedding on Saturday. To say it was it a painfully long and annoying experience would be like saying that the cosine of a triangle is found by dividing the length of the adjacent side of a reference angle by the length of the hypotenuse. Duhh!!~
-- Rumor has it that men hate weddings... dont ask me where I heard that, just know that rumor is fact as my nearly-boredom-and-annoyance-exploded-head can attest. The only highlights to the day and night were these: the wedding was tv-textbook complete, with wedding march, priest-read vows, the famous Corinthians "Love is___" reading, flower girl, reception, party, the whole works. The party was held here (an annoying 45 minute shuttle bus ride from the wedding, but beautiful, for sure) and despite the fact that the wedding band was waaaay too into themselves and the dinner, slated for 7:30, was served at 9:30 - it proved to be at such an ideal locale, it made the rest of the annoyances almost bearable.
-- Other highlights included: a) one lone bat circling above everyone's heads while the bridesmaids and best man read their speeches (despite all my best mental efforts at telekenisis, I couldn't make the bat fly into anyone's face). b) the bride's drunk sisters rambling on about things only they found giggle-funny c) the couple we drove up with getting pretty sloshed, leading to... an ... interesting ride home. d) the unfortunate fact that I forgot to go to the bathroom before we got in the (car service) car for the 2 hour ride home and of course had to go about halfway through the trip, leading to this conversation: "um.. guys.. hey, I'm really sorry, but I have to go to the bathroom" - "what??? why didn't you go when we were at the mansion??" - "I .. uh.. didn't think I had to go." - "driver? is there a gas station near where we could use the restroom" - "umm.. no, there's really not" - "Uhh.. well.. I dont care where we stop, but we're going to need to stop at some point soon... sorry" - no one says anything.. I then say "hey, I dont care if we just have to pull over on the freeway here, but I need to go... really, I am sorry" - never thinking that he would ACTUALLY pull over on the side of a major 6 lane freeway - which, he ... of course, did. So I get out and of course there's no bushes or trees I can really hide behind so I turn away from the car and traffic we've been driving along with but - of course - this means the other side of the freeway can see... my business - if they are so inclined, which in my mind, they all are. So I'm standing there, trying to pee, which I desperately need to do, but I might as well be standing on stage at Radio City Music hall with my pants down. I am also all-too-aware that our driver and my fellow passengers are watching out for cops and oh yeah, everyone in the state of New York is looking at my penis at that very moment. Zen... relax.. waterfalls, no one is looking.. you're in your own bathroom at home, no one is HONNNNNK!!!! Grrr. Why didn't I go at the damn mansion?
-- The thought of getting back in the car without having gone was finally enough to .. relieve me.. of said mental block.

No comments: