Thursday, April 28, 2005

More Overheard

More DM Overheard's
++ DM: Lauren, you've already missed... 1.. 2.. 3, 4 ... NO, I'm just SAYING. no YOU listen to ME. Lauren, it's amazing they haven't kicked you out already. Yeah,.. you got lucky. they're pretty stupid for not noticing, dontcha think?
++ DM: I dont know Lauren, I need to see how much I have. Fine, use it all for your dress, I told you, I dont care. Besides - I need to go to the pawn shop to pick up your heart ring, your name place, your bracelet. you dont want to lose THAT stuff, do you? NO, i didn't think so. God I hope you learned a lesson. I know you probably didn't, though.
++ DM: Yeah & I gotta go buy you another Metrocard 'cause you took mine, remember? Yeah, I dont have one. You took it but where did it go, Lauren?? You just dont think.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Monday, monday / zombie, zombie

The perfect Monday song: Postal Service: We Will Become Silhouettes

I listen to it at least every Monday. I think it may have supernatural recuperative powers, ideally suited for Mondays. The video (above) is how I first saw/heard the song. Quite a great video, actually.
And this song of course - Sea and Cake - Sound and Vision - will be one of my favorite songs until the universe comes to an end. It goes with Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays ... not Thursdays, .. Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. On second thought, it does go with Thursdays.

Sooo... back when I wrote about my love of zombies, I had considered writing up a Zombie Surivival Guide of sorts. Silly, silly me. How naiive to think that it hadn't already been done a million times! Granted, mine would be way funnier, but still.... these folks did up a good website for our survival needs.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Office Chatter

Office Chatter:
Large Marge: does anyone have a dictionary?
me: no, but is the Merriam Webster website
Large Marge: nah, i dont want to go through that much trouble
me: I say nothing. daggers fly out of my eyes, though - puncturing her large ass. she flies off like a balloon.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

WashSqPk toe massager

A toe massage.. sexual?? Oh NYU girl, you are so naiive.

So I'm sitting in
the Washington Square Park circle after work yesterday, reading.
Next to me, is a pretty, young brunette reading a textbook and highlighting occassional passages. She's wearing a light sweater, capri pants and flip flops with little toe rings on two toes. The circle is filled with it's usual assortment of students, neighborhood locals, tourists and crazy people - refreshingly, nothing's changed too much from last year.
Enter: my new favorite crazy person. He's a dark skinned, slightly big boned, black guy wearing a loose track suit and basketball jersey. He's not a bad looking guy but he's all too obviously scoping, there's no question about it - almost predatorily looking around for a girl to sit down next to and chat up. Sure enough, he picks NYU-girl next to me.
And so he begins... I truly admire the ease with which he starts, the conversation flow he generates and the friendly and lively response he gets out of her. How is it not at all hard for him and obviously so friggin' difficult for me to start up conversations out of the blue with girls?? Grr. whatever. So, I'm eavesdropping a little, getting some pointers maybe, when I hear little bits of coversation that go something like this: "have you ever had your ........ ......." --"Noooo, I'm not really ...... I dont like ...." -- "really? you should... it's great, you'll like it... let me show you" -- "Nooo, that's ok, really, I ..." -- "no, really... you Will like it, trust me"
At this point, I look over. What the hell is he talking about? I look over, to see him... moving in to touch her toes. "Nooo! really... I ... really dont like it when people touch my toes" -- "no, it's not like that... it's not sexual at all... here, I'll show you" -- "nooo, no really... thanks, I'm sure it feels really good, but..." -- "really, you're confusing this. it's not sexual or sensual, it'll make you feel good. it releases tension ........, I'll show" -- "nnooo, that's ok, I ... really... just dont let people touch my" -- "ok... I'm sorry, that's cool". And he stops.
I look up a bit, check out the scene... she's trying to play it cool... he's Definitely trying to play it cool, looking around the circle nonchalantly. She goes back to reading her textbook, the sound of kids chasing eachother and squeeling fades in a Doppler effect as they zig zag their way away from the circle. I go back to reading. I then hear a loud squeel. Not kids. the NYU girl. Crazy toe massager has reached over while she was reading and touched her toes. "Noooo!! HEEE! Really, please... I dont like that" -- "how do you know you dont like it, if you haven't felt it?" -- "really, I just know, my toes are really sensitive" -- "but it's not sexual, you think I'm trying to be sexual" -- "nooo, it's not that, I just..." -- "here, I'll show you" -- "nooo, really, I.." -- "ok, ok.. it's alright. I was just trying to help" -- "thanks. really.. I just... " -- "it's ok".
At this point, I'm thinking 'great, I'm going to have to intervene and speak up for her - then the guy is going to get all chest-puffy and tell me to mind my own business - then I'm going to have to insist that the girl said "no" and please respect that - then the guy is going to tell me to shut the F up and go back to reading - then I'm going to say "I will, just leave her alone... please" - then he's going to tell me to shut up before he shuts me up - etc, etc - all the while, the girl is going to think I'm standing up for her 'cause I want to maybe sleep with her or perhaps I have my own secret plans to touch her toes - when really, I'm just trying to be a nice guy who stands up for someone in need of a little help.
So I'm weighing my options and the gravity of the situation - trying to determine when I should say something and evisioning the wrath of all the park crazies being called in like Tarzan calls his animal friends, forever branding myself as that guy who's going to get his ass handed to him when he gets caught alone in some dark alley.
NYU girl fishes her phone out of her bag and makes a call to a friend. Phew... she's now busy, he's Got To leave her alone now, right? I go back to reading. Squeeeeel! "Nooo! oh nooo, nooo, really..." -- "you'll really like it... I just .. need to show you" -- "no, it's ok" -- "I know... you will like it once I show you, it Is ok" -- "no, I mean... really. my toes, I..." -- "ok, ok... but you should really let me show you" -- "thanks! I... maybe someone else would.." -- "ok, ok. I wont, it's ok" and she goes back to her phone call, nervously avoiding eye contact or any move in his direction. I look over - he's sneaking a long stare at her toes.
Wow. Owwwkay. what do I say... what should I say to him... I should.. say... hmm... what's something difussing yet cool enough to keep my awesome street cred and not provoke a violent response ... and... let's see.... I could say..... He gets up.
He walks off.. slowly. He looks around the circle a bit, but then walks up the few stairs and steps over the circle edge. And then he's gone.....
Not two minutes later, NYU-girl's friends show up and she hurriedly tells them the story. Everyone is shocked and repulsed but fighting back a bit of uncomfortable laughter. One of her friends says "oh my god, that's sooo creepy. That sorta reminds me of that girl who took a nap in the park last week and woke up with some guy massaging her feet!" - 1 second pause. Four girls in unison "AAAAH!! No Way!! EYEWWW!"
Meanwhile, I'm thinking 'wait, that REMINDS YOU of the girl who took a nap' - you mean.. you THINK they might be related?!??! DO You, little miss Smart Cookie?!?! ya think?? you must be studying to be a lawyer!
Needless to say, this guy is my new favorite WSPk crazy person - The Crazy Toe Massager. I need to keep an eye on him of course, and an ear open in case, god forbid, he tries anything more than toe massaging. I'll gladly add corroboration or line-up spotting if it's needed in the future, but for now... as far as crazy people go... he seems moderately harmless.

Lest you think NY has lost it's crazy-guy luster.....................

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Overheards and sightings

When Overheards Become Depressing and Scary:
++ DM: ya, she didn't come home last night. I dont even know what to do. He's 28. ya. Twenty Eight Years Old. Ya. and not just that but he's gotta ... checkered past.. let's say.
++ DM: Mary Magdelane was the biggest trrrramp.

++ Saw Tim Robbins rollerblading in Tribeca- 98% sure it wasn't him. If it wasn't, it was different 6'5"-good-lookin'-older-guy-hockey-nut slowly skating home. (for some reason, Karen knew Tim Robbins lives in Tribeca)
++ Saw Abe Vigoda (no, he's not dead) crossing Canal on Broadway. Abe (who is still not dead as of this last sentence) looked like he was walking on a planet with 5 times our gravity. If you would like to keep up on Abe's aliveness -
++ Saw Mario Batali in the W Village. AGAIN. I swear, that guy needs to get up out of my face before I.... ..before I... ...what? eat at his restaraunt finally?
++ Saw Charlie Rose in his high end convertible (top down) on 7th avenue near Greenwich. Had a younger looking Asian woman in the passenger seat wearing sunglasses. He seemed tan, tall and slightly lecherous.
++ Saw Nicole Kidman speed reading Ralph Waldo Emerson and typing away furiously on a 10 year old laptop. Also on the table were How To Break Into Documentary Film and Bionic SuperCollectors. I looked over her shoulder at what she'd been typing and it turned out to be a blog about stalking me. this happened in the vicinity of... In My Dreams.

Friday, April 15, 2005

How to:

How to tell people your life story, by my coworker, Dianna M:
- Step 1. talk.
- Step 2. keep talking.
- Step 3. do not stop talking.
- Step 4. repeat.
- Step 5. keep repeating.
- Step 6. ignore attempts by listeners to get away.
Seriously. she has a problem. I wish I was exagerating a little. There's just no need to:

--The Last Highly Annoying 30 Minutes of My Life
- A play, in one act.
- Dianna M
- 'Napoleon' - our department manager
- Visiting Suit Lady
- Visiting Suit Man # 1
- Visiting Suit Man # 2
--SCENE: {there is actually no scene to set. this all takes place 7 feet behind my back. I do not turn around to look at any of them. I have to listen to all of them. Why? Because they're 7 frickin' feet behind me, talking like there isn't anyone trying to work 7 frickin' feet away.}
Dianna, hey, this is Visiting Suit Lady and Visiting Suit Man # 1 and 2 from Partner-Telecom-Company-So&So, they're going to be working with us doing blah-blah-blah
DM: Hiiiii... it's sooo nice to meet you! how are you?
[insert 5 minutes of mutual ass-kissing here. smooch smooch smooch]
Visiting Suit Lady: [hears phone ringing] Oh, I'll let you get that call, it was really great to meet you, I'm sure we'll see eacho....
DM: Oh, dont worry about it, it's just my husband
Visiting Suit Lady: you're sure? I...
DM: trust me. he can wait. He's calling to tell me my daughter missed school again.
Visiting Suit Man # 1: [uncomfortable chuckle] Ha! I... miss those days. I wish I could miss school too.
DM: Oh she's great at it. she does it all the time. she's about to flunk out of school because of it.
Visiting Suit Lady: really?? oh no...
DM: ya, she's a wreck. I keep calling her school to smooth things over and she keeps digging a deeper hole for herself. I'm at my wits end with her.
[uncomfortable silence]
Visiting Suit Lady:
[talking about picture on DM's desk] Oh, is that your daughter? she's really pret..
DM: [interrupts] Ya, that's her. and her cat.
Visiting Suit Lady: So cute, I had a cat like tha..
DM: [interrupts] That cat has cancer. We just found out a few weeks ago.
Visiting Suit Lady: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear tha..
DM: [interrupts] Ya. what are ya gonna do? we may have to put it down, I dont know. My daughter's had the cat forever. It's 8 years old. something in it's shoulder.
[uncomfortable silence]
Visiting Suit Lady:
that's so sad... it's such a tragedy when pets get sick.
DM: tell me about it. I've got 5. cats. Not that I'm some crazy cat lady or nothin'.
Visiting Suit Man # 2: ya, like those women with 20 cats.
DM: Right. I'm not like that, at all. I dont understand people like that.

... .. . . .. this all continues for another 20 to 30 minutes, with DM basically cornering them and talking and talking with no breaks in the conversation where they can move along and either meet the other provisioners or just leave the office - they've obviously just come for a pop-by-meet-and-greet - a practice all too sickeningly common in the telecom world.
DM somehow manages to cover the following topics: cats. cats with cancer. other sick animals she's taken care of. the animals of friends of hers who need temporary or permanent boarding. her daughter. her daughter missing endless amounts of school. her daughter being a slacker all through high school. her daughter's promiscuity with ever-changing boyfriends who DM can not keep track of. her husband. her husband being a loser. I am actually Very suprised that she does Not mention her husband being a raging alcoholic and how he gashed a huge hole in his back by falling into a speaker two days ago. I guess some things are sacred. (he actually called yesterday morning and accusingly quized DM as to why he had a huge cut on his back and did she do something to him like cut him or beat him with something). It's getting .... pretty sad, actually. I .. wish I didn't have to hear all of it but due to our proximity, everyone in this office is basically subjected to a forced voyeurism... or .. auyerism? is that a word? audio voyeur?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Overheard's Who's Sick? and 'Sightings'

More Overheard
DM leaving voicemail for her daughter: "I have to stay late at work, so have your boyfriend pick you up" [click - hangs up, then says] "whoever he may be this week"
DM leaving voicemail for her daughter: "Lauren, you had BETTER be at school right now. Swear to god, if you are asleep......" [click]
DM to daughter: "Lauren... Lauren. stop screaming. Lauren.. I'm not listening.. Lauren... Lauren... ...Lauren. stop screaming. Lauren. Lauren. Because I told him to. Why? because YOU NEED TO BE IN SCHOOL. I -told- him to wake you. Yes. I did."
DM leaving voicemail for her daughter: "Lauren, you had BETTER be in school"
DM to daughter: "Lauren... WHY are you NOT in school? No, that was not a reason the past 100 times you told me it, it's not now. We're gonna have a talk when I get home"
DM leaving voicemail for her daughter: "Lauren.. oh Lauren, you had BETTER be in school. Swear to god I'm gonna have words for you if you are not." [hangs up, then says] "swear to god.. I swear, I will kill that girl"
DM to husband: "Dave. stop your crying, you baby. He wants to borrow your car, he's not asking for a kidney. Then tell him NO. you're hysterical Dave. Dave, calm down. Tell him No if you dont want him to borrow it. Dave... Dave, I'm not having this conversation with you."
DM leaving voicemail for her daughter: "you had better call me back. If you dont call me back, I'm going to assume you're not at school."

Who??? What? Huh?
Sadly, DM's cat has cancer. From the 20 or so conversations about it that I've heard so far, it turns out her vet gave the cat it's first rabies shot, years ago, in "deep muscle tissue" instead of "just under the skin" and this new diagnosing vet has told her that sometimes that causes the rabies vaccine to "fester and become cancer". I honestly have no idea if that's true or not, but she is convinced to the point where "if I ever see that vet again, I am going to kick his ass, swear to god, I am going to. He wont know what hit him"
The almost-funny part of this story is that for the first 7 or so times she talked about it on the phone, I could have sworn she was talking about her husband. And that he was in surgery and possibly, was going to have to have his "arm" removed because of it. WHAT??!! Oh, AND that he had a "20% chance of survival". Ok, they're possibly removing your husband's arm... and he has a 20% chance of survival... and you're sitting here at work talking about it??!!?
The good news is that cat (and husband) are doing fine. Amputation was not necessary and everyone is recovering nicely. Lauren however, has missed another day of school.

+ Saw Lindsay Lohan outside of the 1/9 Christopher Street station. I do believe I saw her moments after her paparazzi-famous ankle twist accident. She didn't look nearly as good in person, all dolled up, Upper East Side style. Beautiful in Mean Girls and hosting SNL... not so lovely looking like daughter-to-daddy-war-bucks.
+ Saw the redhead from Sex In The City on 14th, Union Square. Blue baseball cap, North Face jacket - very nondescript, but still seemingly wanting to be noticed. I think she smiled a bit, thankful when I did a double-take, wondering if it was really her.
+ Saw Patti Smith finally, at my mailbox / PO box / mafia hang out. She's # 253, I'm 263. I always think her packages are mine. Still haven't seen Ad Rock of the Beastie Boys, Teri Hatcher or Sarah Jessica Parker, though I do see her packages all the time (SJParker-package sightings!!)
+ Saw the Olson twins near Washington Square Park. I didn't actually see it happen, but I imagined children starting to cry as they passed. And flowers wilting.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Football's Fabulous Females


let's see, if we all chip in.......
it would still be like drumrolling the Delete button on your bank account.
....and ok, fine. it'd be like going to the softest-core christian stripper camp you could imagine.
and OK already.. there'd be ABSOLUTELY no stripping.
and YA, I GET IT ALREADY, we'd have to pay for airfare, airport/hotel/event transportation, hotel accommodations, and meals. Not to mention a skirted table or booth with chairs and a sound system, with a CD player. - Oh, and "Please provide water."
AND what the hell? each one must receive a 30-minute paid meal break and two ten (10) minute rest periods????? what, they EAT, TOO??
-AND- we've gotta supply parking and a secure area for their belongings???
Oh wait, here we go: Please escort the Raiderettes to and from their cars for added security. OHHHWW YEEEAAAAHHhhh.... NOW we're talkin'....
wait, what are we talking about?

Reimbursement for incurred parking fees is required at time of event.
- Oh FOR CHRIS'SAKES!! FORGET IT! THAT is just RIDICULOUS!! We will NEVER reimburse for incurred parking fees AT TIME OF EVENT, what kind of idiots do you think we are???

[my comments inserted] MORE ON “Football’s Fabulous Females”:
The Raiderettes, “Football’s Fabulous Females”, are known for their terrific performances on the sidelines [terrific means bouncy, right?] but do you know why they are so ‘fabulous’? [it's not the bouncy thing?] These beautiful [a few maybe], personable [huh?] and energetic [ok] ladies make over 300 appearances throughout the year at corporate, community and charity events. [fact: NFL cheerleaders do not get paid by their team. this is the only way they make money for being cheerleaders] They are wonderful working with children [what? horny children?] and the elderly [horny elderly?] bringing warmth, [ahem] caring [bouncy caring?] and fun [ahem] to everyone they meet [who is male]. As ambassadors for the Raiders [sorry, were they nominated by committee or appointed by the President?], they are dynamic representatives [dynamic means bouncy, right?] of our community reaching out to bring people together. [so now they're missionaries? insert missionary joke here] People from all walks of life [who are male] who meet the Raiderettes say they are simply…fabulous! [I'm sorry, did gay men added the 'fabulous' part]
The Raiderettes are the most widely recognized professional cheerleaders in the league. [take THAT Cowboy cheerleaders!!] The exciting Raiderette image [things that... things that are bouncy!!] extends from local communities, to cities throughout California and many other states [how many others? DETAILS people!] and international venues as well. [right.] From entertainment at a convention or expo, to raising funds for a worthy cause, the Raiderettes will help make any event a fabulous success! [seriously? that sounds like a promise.]
The following information is designed to assist [assist means forward to the FBI, right?] you in making a request to include the Oakland Raiderettes in your upcoming event or program. Each request will receive fair [they're nothing if not fair] and consistent consideration [I have no idea what that means] and will be confirmed based on availability and team policies. Please note that submitting a request does not guarantee an appearance. [I dont understand. Where ARE those Raiderettes?? the 2005 Fat Guy Nudist Convention needs to get started RIGHT!]
All requests must be submitted in writing [there goes half your audience] using the Appearance Request Form. [I request a SEXY appearance!] Requests should be received at least three (3) weeks [three 3? is that thirty three weeks or six?] prior to the event. Please furnish as much detail as possible. [pictures of your penis, optional] Please allow 5–7 business days to receive a written response to your request. [and then please allow the rest of your life to recover from the fact that you tried to pay the Raiderettes to show up somewhere... and were denied]