Friday, April 15, 2005

How to:

How to tell people your life story, by my coworker, Dianna M:
- Step 1. talk.
- Step 2. keep talking.
- Step 3. do not stop talking.
- Step 4. repeat.
- Step 5. keep repeating.
- Step 6. ignore attempts by listeners to get away.
Seriously. she has a problem. I wish I was exagerating a little. There's just no need to:

--The Last Highly Annoying 30 Minutes of My Life
- A play, in one act.
- Dianna M
- 'Napoleon' - our department manager
- Visiting Suit Lady
- Visiting Suit Man # 1
- Visiting Suit Man # 2
--SCENE: {there is actually no scene to set. this all takes place 7 feet behind my back. I do not turn around to look at any of them. I have to listen to all of them. Why? Because they're 7 frickin' feet behind me, talking like there isn't anyone trying to work 7 frickin' feet away.}
Dianna, hey, this is Visiting Suit Lady and Visiting Suit Man # 1 and 2 from Partner-Telecom-Company-So&So, they're going to be working with us doing blah-blah-blah
DM: Hiiiii... it's sooo nice to meet you! how are you?
[insert 5 minutes of mutual ass-kissing here. smooch smooch smooch]
Visiting Suit Lady: [hears phone ringing] Oh, I'll let you get that call, it was really great to meet you, I'm sure we'll see eacho....
DM: Oh, dont worry about it, it's just my husband
Visiting Suit Lady: you're sure? I...
DM: trust me. he can wait. He's calling to tell me my daughter missed school again.
Visiting Suit Man # 1: [uncomfortable chuckle] Ha! I... miss those days. I wish I could miss school too.
DM: Oh she's great at it. she does it all the time. she's about to flunk out of school because of it.
Visiting Suit Lady: really?? oh no...
DM: ya, she's a wreck. I keep calling her school to smooth things over and she keeps digging a deeper hole for herself. I'm at my wits end with her.
[uncomfortable silence]
Visiting Suit Lady:
[talking about picture on DM's desk] Oh, is that your daughter? she's really pret..
DM: [interrupts] Ya, that's her. and her cat.
Visiting Suit Lady: So cute, I had a cat like tha..
DM: [interrupts] That cat has cancer. We just found out a few weeks ago.
Visiting Suit Lady: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear tha..
DM: [interrupts] Ya. what are ya gonna do? we may have to put it down, I dont know. My daughter's had the cat forever. It's 8 years old. something in it's shoulder.
[uncomfortable silence]
Visiting Suit Lady:
that's so sad... it's such a tragedy when pets get sick.
DM: tell me about it. I've got 5. cats. Not that I'm some crazy cat lady or nothin'.
Visiting Suit Man # 2: ya, like those women with 20 cats.
DM: Right. I'm not like that, at all. I dont understand people like that.

... .. . . .. this all continues for another 20 to 30 minutes, with DM basically cornering them and talking and talking with no breaks in the conversation where they can move along and either meet the other provisioners or just leave the office - they've obviously just come for a pop-by-meet-and-greet - a practice all too sickeningly common in the telecom world.
DM somehow manages to cover the following topics: cats. cats with cancer. other sick animals she's taken care of. the animals of friends of hers who need temporary or permanent boarding. her daughter. her daughter missing endless amounts of school. her daughter being a slacker all through high school. her daughter's promiscuity with ever-changing boyfriends who DM can not keep track of. her husband. her husband being a loser. I am actually Very suprised that she does Not mention her husband being a raging alcoholic and how he gashed a huge hole in his back by falling into a speaker two days ago. I guess some things are sacred. (he actually called yesterday morning and accusingly quized DM as to why he had a huge cut on his back and did she do something to him like cut him or beat him with something). It's getting .... pretty sad, actually. I .. wish I didn't have to hear all of it but due to our proximity, everyone in this office is basically subjected to a forced voyeurism... or .. auyerism? is that a word? audio voyeur?

No comments: