Wednesday, April 20, 2005

WashSqPk toe massager

A toe massage.. sexual?? Oh NYU girl, you are so naiive.

So I'm sitting in
the Washington Square Park circle after work yesterday, reading.
Next to me, is a pretty, young brunette reading a textbook and highlighting occassional passages. She's wearing a light sweater, capri pants and flip flops with little toe rings on two toes. The circle is filled with it's usual assortment of students, neighborhood locals, tourists and crazy people - refreshingly, nothing's changed too much from last year.
Enter: my new favorite crazy person. He's a dark skinned, slightly big boned, black guy wearing a loose track suit and basketball jersey. He's not a bad looking guy but he's all too obviously scoping, there's no question about it - almost predatorily looking around for a girl to sit down next to and chat up. Sure enough, he picks NYU-girl next to me.
And so he begins... I truly admire the ease with which he starts, the conversation flow he generates and the friendly and lively response he gets out of her. How is it not at all hard for him and obviously so friggin' difficult for me to start up conversations out of the blue with girls?? Grr. whatever. So, I'm eavesdropping a little, getting some pointers maybe, when I hear little bits of coversation that go something like this: "have you ever had your ........ ......." --"Noooo, I'm not really ...... I dont like ...." -- "really? you should... it's great, you'll like it... let me show you" -- "Nooo, that's ok, really, I ..." -- "no, really... you Will like it, trust me"
At this point, I look over. What the hell is he talking about? I look over, to see him... moving in to touch her toes. "Nooo! really... I ... really dont like it when people touch my toes" -- "no, it's not like that... it's not sexual at all... here, I'll show you" -- "nooo, no really... thanks, I'm sure it feels really good, but..." -- "really, you're confusing this. it's not sexual or sensual, it'll make you feel good. it releases tension ........, I'll show" -- "nnooo, that's ok, I ... really... just dont let people touch my" -- "ok... I'm sorry, that's cool". And he stops.
I look up a bit, check out the scene... she's trying to play it cool... he's Definitely trying to play it cool, looking around the circle nonchalantly. She goes back to reading her textbook, the sound of kids chasing eachother and squeeling fades in a Doppler effect as they zig zag their way away from the circle. I go back to reading. I then hear a loud squeel. Not kids. the NYU girl. Crazy toe massager has reached over while she was reading and touched her toes. "Noooo!! HEEE! Really, please... I dont like that" -- "how do you know you dont like it, if you haven't felt it?" -- "really, I just know, my toes are really sensitive" -- "but it's not sexual, you think I'm trying to be sexual" -- "nooo, it's not that, I just..." -- "here, I'll show you" -- "nooo, really, I.." -- "ok, ok.. it's alright. I was just trying to help" -- "thanks. really.. I just... " -- "it's ok".
At this point, I'm thinking 'great, I'm going to have to intervene and speak up for her - then the guy is going to get all chest-puffy and tell me to mind my own business - then I'm going to have to insist that the girl said "no" and please respect that - then the guy is going to tell me to shut the F up and go back to reading - then I'm going to say "I will, just leave her alone... please" - then he's going to tell me to shut up before he shuts me up - etc, etc - all the while, the girl is going to think I'm standing up for her 'cause I want to maybe sleep with her or perhaps I have my own secret plans to touch her toes - when really, I'm just trying to be a nice guy who stands up for someone in need of a little help.
So I'm weighing my options and the gravity of the situation - trying to determine when I should say something and evisioning the wrath of all the park crazies being called in like Tarzan calls his animal friends, forever branding myself as that guy who's going to get his ass handed to him when he gets caught alone in some dark alley.
NYU girl fishes her phone out of her bag and makes a call to a friend. Phew... she's now busy, he's Got To leave her alone now, right? I go back to reading. Squeeeeel! "Nooo! oh nooo, nooo, really..." -- "you'll really like it... I just .. need to show you" -- "no, it's ok" -- "I know... you will like it once I show you, it Is ok" -- "no, I mean... really. my toes, I..." -- "ok, ok... but you should really let me show you" -- "thanks! I... maybe someone else would.." -- "ok, ok. I wont, it's ok" and she goes back to her phone call, nervously avoiding eye contact or any move in his direction. I look over - he's sneaking a long stare at her toes.
Wow. Owwwkay. what do I say... what should I say to him... I should.. say... hmm... what's something difussing yet cool enough to keep my awesome street cred and not provoke a violent response ... and... let's see.... I could say..... He gets up.
He walks off.. slowly. He looks around the circle a bit, but then walks up the few stairs and steps over the circle edge. And then he's gone.....
Not two minutes later, NYU-girl's friends show up and she hurriedly tells them the story. Everyone is shocked and repulsed but fighting back a bit of uncomfortable laughter. One of her friends says "oh my god, that's sooo creepy. That sorta reminds me of that girl who took a nap in the park last week and woke up with some guy massaging her feet!" - 1 second pause. Four girls in unison "AAAAH!! No Way!! EYEWWW!"
Meanwhile, I'm thinking 'wait, that REMINDS YOU of the girl who took a nap' - you mean.. you THINK they might be related?!??! DO You, little miss Smart Cookie?!?! ya think?? you must be studying to be a lawyer!
Needless to say, this guy is my new favorite WSPk crazy person - The Crazy Toe Massager. I need to keep an eye on him of course, and an ear open in case, god forbid, he tries anything more than toe massaging. I'll gladly add corroboration or line-up spotting if it's needed in the future, but for now... as far as crazy people go... he seems moderately harmless.

Lest you think NY has lost it's crazy-guy luster.....................

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