Monday, June 13, 2005

beauty school cop out

-----Last thursday and friday brought major drama to the House of DM. Shocking, I know. No, this was good drama for a change. Lauren had, it seems, been 'personally recommended' by her beauty school's principal to be an intern/trainee/protege at a prestigious NY hair salon and would, with a little perserverence, soon be doing the hair of the stars! How do I know this? DM called, I believe, half of all NY residents and told them about it.
----selected hilariousness from an Oprah Winfrey review of the salon: ...Rita has set beauty trends and reinvented celebrities. [robot voice: you have been reinvented] She has created the signature looks for stars such as Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Carmen Electra, Brooke Shields and many others. In addition to this wealth of creativity, [working on stars = wealth of creativity?] Rita owns and operates her own busy new salon on East 65th Street in Manhattan. [wait, she doesn't just own or operate it?] The loyalty of Rita's celebrity and personal clientele is attributed to her innate understanding of what looks best on women from a woman's perspective. [really though, she's a man] .... And her warm, down-to-earth personality makes her a good friend to her clients. [and she can speak with forest animals] ..... Every client, celebrity or not, receives Rita's full attention, [so gracious! the little people get attention too?!] and leaves Rita's hands feeling more glamorous then when they arrived. [Rita's hands feel more glamorous "then" when they arrived? wait, where were the hands before they arrived??] A mix of rock and roll and Forties glamour inspires Rita's color choices. [sooo... a mix of Joan Jett and Mrs. Cunningham..? wow, that's hot] ..... "You don't want your hair to 'wear' you...." [I think I saw that Twilight Zone episode] .... is a haven for in-the-know fashionable women... [quick, the world is getting me down.. To The Haven!!] A full range of luxe services are offered.... [only hair salons are allowed to use that word] ....—a chic [and that word] salon that is also a comfortable, no-attitude environment. [FOUL! the words "salon" and "no-attitude" however, can NOT be used in the same sentence]
-----DM was so proud, her husband was proud, relatives were proud, heck, -I- was proud. For now, we'll ignore the fact that she probably got the job because DM calls the school at least once a week to see what Lauren can do to make up missed time or smooth something or other out with the principal. They're on a first name basis with eachother, for chris'sakes. It also had to partly be a give-the-malcontent-a-highly-responsible-job-so-they-fly-right-on-their-own kind of job. However she got it, the world was looking bright and opportunity-filled for the House of DM.

This morning, I heard this:
++ It went horribly... they told her she was dressed inappropriately. the guy is a flaming.... I need to call her principal now. ya. ya, he's a total queen. she wore.. she wore black capris, a button up shirt, nice shoes... yeah, she looked nice. and they say this with people in ripped clothing standing all around. yeah. I cant believe this. I'm gonna have my friend Roger go down there & talk to him, he's a big ol' queen. he'll dish a little sass out to that.... yeah. I know. He needs to shut his fat fu%#ing mouth.

++ hi baby, i got your metrocard. where are you? ok. are you going to be able to shut your AC off? alright. I'm gonna talk to your principal, she's gonna wanna talk to you, alright. So be waiting for the call. DONT go back to sleep, you hear me? ok, baby.

++ yeah, but you have to tell her what this guy did. I wanna talk to her. Not for nothing, but you were sick the night before. I'm telling you, I'm gonna send the flamingest queen down there... to take this queen out, I swear. In midtown manhattan no less. I'm telling you. My name is not Lauren. I cant tell her what happened. You are not a bug to be squashed. You have a talent that needs to be nurtured.

6/20/05 Update
++ So I talked to her principal. Yeah. She was apologizing profusely Damn right she'd better. I know. Lauren says to me, she says "Ma, I felt like I was overdressed". I know, yeah. The guy was standing there telling her she was overdressed and he's in ripped jeans. Big queen. He wanted a guy, wanted Lauren to show up and be a little boy for him.

No comments: