Friday, February 10, 2006

Beer Pong was invented by the Devil

Beer Pong was invented by the Devil

-----I played beer pong for the first time last night and I am now unquestioningly convinced that beer pong was, in fact, invented by the devil. I'd seen the game played in various bars around the city but never wanted to be that guy who suggested to friends "hey! let's play that game. Yeah, the one with the beer and the cups and ... Oh yeah, balls!! c'mon! who doesn't love a good game played with balls??!". Last night, after my team's volleyball match, I was that guy - minus all the enthusiastic emphasis on "balls" of course. We had somehow found ourselves at what should probably only be described as a "beer pong bar". As my team is fond of doing and as wisely directed by medical professionals everywhere, we drinks many inhebriating beverages after our volleyball matches. Beer after sports? Strange, I know - that's just how we roll - dont question it. But beer with sports?? Interesting. (sidenote: I kicked so much volleyball ass last night, everyone walked out in diapers)

-----As we began to play this mythical beer pong game, something quickly dawned on me - beer pong is highly dangerous and should be outlawed in most US States and territories. (definitely the territories) It is an abomination to any semblance of common sense you may have thought you had. A game designed by a cruel and spiteful evil entity with the sole purpose of making people drink FAST ...and making sure each player drinks at least a pitcher of beer in a very short time.

-----For those who haven't played, the quick rules of the game are this: Your team and your opponents' have ten cups half filled with beer. You try to throw a ball into their cups to make them drink the now ping-pong-ball-dirtied-beer, they try the same at your cups. the last team with cups standing drinks all the remaining beer. There are other rules but you will quickly find yourself too drunk to remember them.

-----It is a game that blends the mind-blowingly intense excitement of throwing crumpled up paper into a trashcan with the pathological compulsion to drink for more than just "drinking's sake". Why? Because "it's fun!!" Yes, fun like russian roulette is fun. Fun like pounding shots so you can see a stack of little empty glasses is fun. It's remarkably similiar to a game I just invented called: "you drink!" "ok, now YOU drink!" "ok ok... now YOU drink!! hee hee" "OK, done..! now you drink!". Sadly, my game is woefully devoid of balls.

-----If you've ever suffered at the hands of this game, this picture of a 100 cup variation of the game will make your stomach grumble and shake it's stomachy fists at you for ever playing. (yes, your stomach has angry fists). My favorite parts from the wikipedia Beer Pong entry: having a remarkably simple premise, the game has a great depth of skill and strategy with different kinds of shots, cooperative planning, and a large element of confrontational psychology. These elements combined with the debilitating effects of alcohol creates a complex alluring game, or as some say, a sport. ........... There may be up to two officials observing one game [who] should be unbiased individuals competent in the rules of the game (just like Russian roulette should have unbiased officials) ............ [empty cups] should never be stacked upon each other, as dirt and dust from the bottom of the cups can contaminate the cups for the next game. Newbies to beer pong are notorious for committing this act. (Oops, it seems we were newbies all night) ........... Mesquite, Nevada held the World Series of Beer Pong from January 2 - 6, 2006. (Ergo, Mesquite, Nevada had absolutely nothing better to do from Jan. 2-6, 2006)
....see also: Beer distribution and formations
....see also:
....see also: this
picture of a beer pong referee
...and of course, the
online video game, beer pong so you can practice at work.

-----For as much as I just talked a lotta shite about beer pong, we actually had a great night (imagine that: drinking + a lot of = great night) Still... next time, I think I'll opt for an officiating role.

1 comment:

Mim said...