Football's Fabulous Females

JOURNAL / BLOG ENTRY
http://www.raiders.com/raiderettes/appearances.jsp

let's see, if we all chip in.......
it would still be like drumrolling the Delete button on your bank account.
....and ok, fine. it'd be like going to the softest-core christian stripper camp you could imagine.
and OK already.. there'd be ABSOLUTELY no stripping.
and YA, I GET IT ALREADY, we'd have to pay for airfare, airport/hotel/event transportation, hotel accommodations, and meals. Not to mention a skirted table or booth with chairs and a sound system, with a CD player. - Oh, and "Please provide water."
AND what the hell? each one must receive a 30-minute paid meal break and two ten (10) minute rest periods????? what, they EAT, TOO??
-AND- we've gotta supply parking and a secure area for their belongings???
Oh wait, here we go: Please escort the Raiderettes to and from their cars for added security. OHHHWW YEEEAAAAHHhhh.... NOW we're talkin'....
wait, what are we talking about?

Reimbursement for incurred parking fees is required at time of event.
- Oh FOR CHRIS'SAKES!! FORGET IT! THAT is just RIDICULOUS!! We will NEVER reimburse for incurred parking fees AT TIME OF EVENT, what kind of idiots do you think we are???

[my comments inserted] MORE ON “Football’s Fabulous Females”:
The Raiderettes, “Football’s Fabulous Females”, are known for their terrific performances on the sidelines [terrific means bouncy, right?] but do you know why they are so ‘fabulous’? [it's not the bouncy thing?] These beautiful [a few maybe], personable [huh?] and energetic [ok] ladies make over 300 appearances throughout the year at corporate, community and charity events. [fact: NFL cheerleaders do not get paid by their team. this is the only way they make money for being cheerleaders] They are wonderful working with children [what? horny children?] and the elderly [horny elderly?] bringing warmth, [ahem] caring [bouncy caring?] and fun [ahem] to everyone they meet [who is male]. As ambassadors for the Raiders [sorry, were they nominated by committee or appointed by the President?], they are dynamic representatives [dynamic means bouncy, right?] of our community reaching out to bring people together. [so now they're missionaries? insert missionary joke here] People from all walks of life [who are male] who meet the Raiderettes say they are simply…fabulous! [I'm sorry, did gay men added the 'fabulous' part]
The Raiderettes are the most widely recognized professional cheerleaders in the league. [take THAT Cowboy cheerleaders!!] The exciting Raiderette image [things that... things that are bouncy!!] extends from local communities, to cities throughout California and many other states [how many others? DETAILS people!] and international venues as well. [right.] From entertainment at a convention or expo, to raising funds for a worthy cause, the Raiderettes will help make any event a fabulous success! [seriously? that sounds like a promise.]
The following information is designed to assist [assist means forward to the FBI, right?] you in making a request to include the Oakland Raiderettes in your upcoming event or program. Each request will receive fair [they're nothing if not fair] and consistent consideration [I have no idea what that means] and will be confirmed based on availability and team policies. Please note that submitting a request does not guarantee an appearance. [I dont understand. Where ARE those Raiderettes?? the 2005 Fat Guy Nudist Convention needs to get started RIGHT!]
All requests must be submitted in writing [there goes half your audience] using the Appearance Request Form. [I request a SEXY appearance!] Requests should be received at least three (3) weeks [three 3? is that thirty three weeks or six?] prior to the event. Please furnish as much detail as possible. [pictures of your penis, optional] Please allow 5–7 business days to receive a written response to your request. [and then please allow the rest of your life to recover from the fact that you tried to pay the Raiderettes to show up somewhere... and were denied]